Current state of mind: precariously balanced
You can keep up, keep on moving
Chasing the sound of the sun somewhere going down
I have a love, but the road royally did annoint
Leave my queen to be king of the vanishing point
I go further out, deeper down into the hole
Keep losing pieces in an effort to make things whole
~ “Love Remains” by Red Wanting Blue
It was brought to my attention that I am not at my most coherent when trying to verbally share my feelings. I would agree. Sometimes my brain is faster than my vocal cords, resulting in a mish-mash of thoughts and words. When I write, however, the time it takes for my nervous system to react to my thoughts and make my hands function accordingly allows everything to catch up. I suppose this is a good thing, considering I write my feelings far more often than I speak them.
The major issue I see with writing feelings down, though, is that they are tangible. There is proof that the feelings were experienced, processed, and shared. Wouldn’t it be better to just shout them to an un-listening world so that they can never be used against me? Shouldn’t I be fearful that you will throw them back in my face? Will you do that eventually? How do we know when we have found a safe cove (or safe harbor for those of you who don’t enjoy mixing metaphors)? What if you are really just an ambush waiting to happen? Trust is a precarious thing.
I used to believe that people should earn my trust. I would slowly open up to them until eventually I felt they had proven themselves as being reliable and discrete and non-judgmental. Experience has shown this particular method of weeding out the deceivers to be completely ineffective. Trust can be torn down through experience; but not established. Now, I trust my intuition instead of logic and analysis. Sometimes it feels dangerous to live this way; and sometimes it likely is. Living the alternative is far more dangerous, however. I have spent 95% of my adult life within the confines of a walled fortress. It is no way to exist. In fact, it is a very lonely existence, even when surrounded by people who love and care for you.
So, please, do me a favor. Find a safe cove where you can surrender your control and your fears. Let the warm water caress your toes as the sand exfoliates the scales and callouses which harden you to the elements. Allow the sun to penetrate the inner chill. There is time enough to protect yourself from the evils of the world. I promise you that the harsh winds will still be blowing when you emerge. Life will still throw obstacles and fear in your path. Your ship will still be battered by storms. The knowledge, however, that there is a place of refuge, a place where you are able to just be – without pretense, will get you through. You will discover that you never realized just how safe you were until you opened your eyes. At least that is how it is for me. And for that, I thank you.
PERSONAL NOTE: I am hungry.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: You know I am right – and while it may unsettle you, it is worth the discomfort. Trust me.