16 September 2010

Deposit Checks - Buy Stamps

current mood: introspective

And all my rage sits inside,
And even the finest things are leaving you hollow.
And all my days left behind,
And even the finest things are leaving you hollow.
And the sky is blue, and so are you.
~ “Hollow” by Better than Ezra

It must seem that there has been nothing to read around here for a while. It’s true that there haven’t been many posts these past several weeks. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing; it just means that I haven’t been writing for your eyes. I have actually been writing quite a bit. Granted, I am penning an anonymous ‘blog’ elsewhere, where my identity is secret, my postings are pointed, and my audience is targeted. This has kept me from boring you with topics that do not run along the mainstream.

In addition, I am taking two paralegal classes, which has me reading multiple chapters, writing assignments, and preparing for discussion. I even took out ‘Eidetic Vision’ in hopes that I could begin writing it again. Alas, my muse seems to have deserted me in that area. Now, I just hope I can convert it into a short story so that I no longer need to worry about it. It symbolizes my own failure – frustrating me on a frequent basis. To be honest, I am tired. And that frustrates me as well.

There is so much I want to do and accomplish and . . . and . . . I never seem to catch up with my potential. That damn potential which has haunted me since I sobbed in hysterics in 3rd grade when I received a B+ on a math exam. That is my first memory of truly disappointing myself – I was 8. I regret to inform you that the feeling has never actually dissipated. I still hear the voice in my head telling me that I suck at math. That voice, however, has picked up a few more things to berate me about over the years, and even some people who reiterate what the voice says, just in case I forget that my hand-eye-coordination is lacking or that I didn’t finish my Masters degree or that I am broken because I cannot procreate. Yes, the ‘voices of reason’ have been busy (both inside my head and in the people who live and breathe on this spinning ball of rock and water).

When I sit down and attempt to list all the things that must be accomplished, my left hand grows its own brain and only writes mundane chores, such as going to the bank or the post office. I can feel the first waves of a panic attack and while they don’t evolve into a full-blown anxiety hurricane, they do enough damage to the psyche that I am hoping FEMA responds with a check soon (or at least an asbestos-filled trailer).

NBF is away at law school. Indiana may only be 10 hours by car – but it may as well be ½ way across the world until I go to visit at Thanksgiving. The ‘gap’ between a law student and the rest of the non-law students of the world is a large one. I am doing my best to just sit back and ‘go with the flow’. I don’t want to be another stressor. Plus I have too much stress in my own life to worry about something out of my control.

I think longingly of that TV show from the 80s about the girl who was an alien and could stop time. I want that girl’s power. Damn, what I wouldn’t give to be able to stop this world from spinning for just a little while.

That baby will be here anytime now – get all the rest you can until then.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: No, I don’t think so. It was a good idea in theory; but practical applications are limited.

01 September 2010

Happy Nostalgia Day

current mood: content

I need you here
But you're out there on your own
Do you still look like the pictures in my telephone?
Hiding out in your room, we could be alone
Laughing out loud
You need me here
But I'm always so far away
~ ‘So Obvious’ by Runner Runner

The 7 year itch is a fascinating movie about the concept that after being married for 7 years, one feels like they must stray from the marriage for some excitement. Well, folks, today my marriage officially hits the 7 year date – only there is no marriage. Still, it was a great wedding. The twins were adorable in their little outfits, and my sisters (plus Ali-Son) looked lovely in their bridesmaid dresses. I was dressed like an Irish princess, and overall, the day was a hit, even as the clouds rolled in. I should look into posting some pictures – of at least my sisters, and the twins. Not so sure the groomsmen or even the groom for that matter, need to be “featured”. Especially, since he is remarried. Not so sure that’d be a great plan.

What does one say to her ex-husband on the anniversary of their now defunct marriage? Many of you are thinking “NOTHING! SAY NOTHING!” – Alas, that isn’t me. Plus, I know that he remembers the anniversary date and to say nothing would be disingenuous on my part. I simply sent him a quick IM that said, ‘Happy Nostalgia Day’. Now, there is no “elephant in the room”. Good thing, too, because I have enough unmentionables that I cannot afford to add another damn ‘elephant’ to my collection.

Looking back, though, I am so very grateful for what that day has meant in my life. I was granted two amazing children (whom I refuse to relinquish), an extended family which include T and L (two people I couldn’t possibly live without) and an exceptional learning experience which has taught me what is and is NOT acceptable in a loving relationship. Overall, I definitely received the better end of the deal.

Without further ado, I’d like to make a toast to never regretting making a decision based on love; as the long-term consequences can bring even greater joy.

PERSONAL NOTE: Thank you for being my best friend.

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.