31 December 2010
How long till my soul gets it right?
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light?
I call on the resting soul of Galileo
King of night vision, King of insight
~ “Galileo” by the Indigo Girls
Today is Governor (New Mexico) Richardson’s last day of office. Richardson, in his last non-act as governor, has refused to pardon Billy the Kid of his past crimes. The legend goes that the then governor, Gov. Lew Wallace, promised the Kid a pardon in exchange for his eye-witness testimony of other killings during the Lincoln County War. Richardson claims that there is not any tangible evidence that Gov. Wallace ever intended on pardoning the notorious gunslinger. For those of you not familiar with the Lincoln County War, watch ‘Young Guns’ for a glorified historical viewpoint.
Instead of a pardon, William H. Bonney (aka Billy the Kid) was sentenced to hang for the murder of the Lincoln County Sheriff. He escaped; taunting the law by singing ‘I shot the sheriff; but I didn’t shoot the deputy.’ Pat Garrett, an old ‘friend’ of Bonney’s, caught up with the outlaw and shot him (some say “in the back”). And it is Garrett’s grandson (who is shockingly, still alive) and Wallace’s great-grandson (who is also still alive) who claim pardoning the outlaw would be a disgrace on their ancestors’ good-names.
Forgive me for saying so; but I don’t think that pardoning Billy the Kid would do anything to the “good names” of Wallace and Garrett. The only reason anyone even knows who these people are is because they were involved with Billy the Kid. I don’t think anyone else cares – especially not Billy, who stays dead, either way. I shouldn’t say that “no one cares”, because there was a public poll taken and of the 809 responses, 430 supported the pardon. Why is this even being discussed? Are things in New Mexico so hunky-dory that they have to bring up 100 year old controversy to keep the rest of the world interested? Aren’t there any new alien conspiracies?
To honor 2011, I would like to offer all of you a pardon. It’s a clean slate, beginning tomorrow. Act accordingly!
22 December 2010
Maybe you and me got lost somewhere,
we can't move on we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough,
well maybe we aint meant for this love
~ “Mockingbird” by Rob Thomas
I am not really sure what fashion statement I was trying to make this morning when I got dressed. Granted, it was 7:20am, and I had to leave at 7:30am, so my thinking wasn’t entirely calm and clear. Still, there must have been some thought in my head as I selected a pair of dark gray leggings, a black tank dress, and a white ¾ sleeve cardigan, combined with a pair of boots and mismatched socks. I am looking down at my clothes and I seriously would like a do-over.
To hide this seriously dysfunctional wardrobe, I am staying at my desk and avoiding eye contact with anyone who passes by. Luckily for me, the ginger who sits next to me is oblivious to what I wear. The other people in my area, however, are all fashionistas. Seriously, this many fashionably hip women should not work in one department unless it is for Versace or Stella McCartney. Luckily, all these women are friendly; otherwise, I would be terrified to enter the building. Even the pregnant girl looks amazing every day. It is surreal.
Also within sight of my workstation is a new Honda Civic driver. He bought a 2010 black Civic from Superiority Complex Honda. While I do not approve of the location, I do approve of the car. I am hoping to hook Lucius up so they can make little charcoal colored Hondas. *note to self: jokes about mating cars are not really that funny when written out*. I am a little envious that his car has leather seats and seat warmers. Unfortunately, Elizabeth makes it impossible for me to have leather seats in my car. Her little toe nails scratch the heck out of leather – for proof, see my parents’ couch.
*pause for blowing my nose*
Ugh, I am so bloody tired of a runny nose. I seriously think someone turned a spigot on in my head and forgot to turn it back off. On that disgusting note, I am going to close this message with some words of wisdom from an unidentified author:
“Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.”PERSONAL NOTE: Happy Christmas across the pond!
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Enjoy Guatemala!
15 December 2010
Hey there's this pretty pretty girl I know
He broke her heart and now she’s letting go
What you two had was never love you know
So let me show you what it feels like
I'll never make you cry, always kiss you goodnight
~ “Just Friends?” by Kill Paradise
Recently, I have been subjected to some awkward situations which made me wish that I could pause time and ‘gently’ explain to the ‘awkward actor’ why I would like to punch them in the face. First, I am going to rant about valets. Let me preface this rant with a disclaimer: my brother used to be a valet. He was a damn good one. I believe that if all valets were like him, I wouldn’t have to take deep breaths before reclaiming my car. Now, on to the valets who vex me. I have a new car insurance company – and they have this special little device that plugs into my car to monitor my driving habits. With this device, they are focusing on 3 key risk factors:
- ANY driving time between 12midnight – 4am
- Distance and average speed driven each day
- HARD BRAKING! (Hard braking is the use of a brake to decrease the speed of the car by 7 mph in 1 second.)
I was very excited about this device because I knew that if I could drive carefully for 30 days, I could get a significant discount on my very expensive auto insurance. To make this process transparent, the insurance company allows drivers to view the captured data online. Imagine my surprise when I viewed 7 hard brakes during times that I was not in possession of my vehicle. Instead, it appeared that the valet who was driving LUCIUS V around had an issue with braking. Futhermucker! When I called the insurance company to inquire what I could do to avoid valets ruining my driving record, the only advice the girl could offer was ‘gently remind them about the device in the car’.
So I did! And I promise, I was kind. I did not tell the supervisor – I notified the valet himself. I pointed out the device and just asked that he be careful while braking to avoid triggering the ‘hard brake’ warning. He looked confused; but said he would alert the other valets. I still tipped the kid and everything. No matter – that same valet team parked my car several more times with the same results. Grrrrrr! So, I have been forced to remove the device and send it back before the 30 day risk-free time period was up. So, no discount for me!
With no device in the car, I realized that I could no longer monitor how valets drove. I suppose ignorance is bliss in this case. No longer fearing the hard braking valets, I utilized another valet’s services so that I did not have to walk through the bitterly cold parking lot at a photography event I was working. When the event was over, I gave the valet my ticket, and then waited almost 15 minutes for my car to be delivered. The place was not busy and I didn’t know what was taking so long – until one of the other valets asked me how long I had been waiting. When I told him, a confused look was quickly replaced with a bright light bulb appearing above his head. He then asked me the one question no manual transmission owner wants to be asked by a valet: “Is your car a stick?” As I nodded, I saw LUCIUS being driven very slowly through the parking lot and toward the portcullis where I was waiting. When the kid got out of my car, the other valets asked him why he didn’t call one of them down instead of attempting to drive the car himself. The DAMN VALET doesn’t know how to drive a manual. WTF!?! How can you be a valet and not know how??? I can only imagine the horrors he put my clutch through, trying to go from reverse to 1st. I laughed it off and was very friendly; though I really wanted to kick the kid’s ass for attempting to drive a car he doesn’t know how to drive. Bloody eejit!
Moving on to the second topic I wanted to cover, let’s discuss the “sideways, one-armed hug”. This hug/squeeze should only be used by males with other males at sporting events or while watching sporting events. Otherwise, this hug is awkward (at best) and insulting (at worst). I am not especially fond of strangers or acquaintances touching me at all. However, if you are going to touch me, it had better not be to give me a one-armed hug. Either commit to the real hug or stick to a wave. There are so many issues with the one-armed hug which bother me. I will focus on the top 3:
- I don’t like being pulled toward people sideways and squeezed. I just don’t. It puts me off balance and wrinkles my clothing.
- If you do not know whether or not I want to be embraced by you – then err on the side of caution and don’t touch me or be bold and embrace me fully. I have a lot more respect for confidence than I do for the awkwardness of a one-armed hug.
- The one-armed hug is never acceptable with someone you just met. NEVER! If you didn’t know my name before today, and you give me a one-armed hug, I will be visualizing stabbing you in the eye with an ice-pick.
Alright, I am feeling much better now. Thank you!
PERSONAL NOTE: I love you. Yes, you.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: If you ever give me another one-armed hug, I will be forced to take drastic action.
06 December 2010
I've got everything I've ever wanted here
Everything and damn this constant fear
I'm sure I'm gonna lose it all
Just waiting for the other boot to fall
~ “Easier” by Glen Phillips
I have a dentist appointment right after work on Monday. Girl Dentist found a cavity in one of my incisors the last time I was in for a cleaning. It is very small, so we are trying to take care of it before it causes me any pain. Plus, I have to spend the rest of my FSA dollars. I have spent well over my allotted FSA dollar amount – but I consistently forget to turn in my receipts – which wouldn’t be an issue if they would just give us a debit card like the HSA peeps get. Grrrrr. I love Flex Spending for the tax benefits; I just don’t enjoy the reimbursement process.
I have been terrible with journaling lately – which is why I haven’t posted a blog in weeks. Plus, with working two jobs and attending school, I really don’t have a lot of time to write frivolously. To catch y’all up, I am working in a new position at my full-time job, which makes life so much more enjoyable than it had been. I enjoy the challenge of learning the ins and outs of my new role. I finished my first term in the Paralegal program and earned As in both classes. Yay! I spent Thanksgiving weekend with NBF in Indiana where he is currently finishing up his first semester as a 1L in Law School. Send positive thoughts his way, if you can!
I am really trying to get myself motivated so that I can FINALLY go back and finish “Eidetic Vision”. It has been sitting dormant for over 2.5 years now. Inexcusable, really! I just don’t hear the characters anymore. It’s as if knowing how it will all end has made me unable to finish. Maybe I can convert it into a short story or something. I mean, it had a voice for so long – aren’t I obligated to let it be ‘heard’? I just don’t know where to begin . . .
If you have any ideas, please let me know.
PERSONAL NOTE: Congratulations to Paul, Tania, and Tenesha on their upcoming family addition! 5 months in and Tania still looks fab!
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I am so very proud of you for standing up and fighting when most people would have tried to just get past it. You are an inspiration for others.
17 November 2010
If this is what we’ve got, then what we’ve got is gold
We’re shining bright and I want you, I want you to know
The morning’s on its way, our friends all say goodbye
There’s nowhere else to go, I hope that you’ll stay the night
~ “Stay the Night” by James Blunt
The Buddha taught about the importance of “anicca”; or impermanence. The description in Wikipedia is as follows:
All compounded phenomena (things and experiences) are inconstant, unsteady, and impermanent. Everything we can experience through our senses is made up of parts, and its existence is dependent on external conditions. Everything is in constant flux, and so conditions and the thing itself is constantly changing. Things are constantly coming into being, and ceasing to be. Nothing lasts.
The intention of this concept is to promote the idea of living in the present. Suffering is caused by not living in the “now”. There are amazing Buddhist sand artists that create complex and time consuming designs out of colored sand. Then, once it is finished, they sweep it away and start again. How I wish that I would lose my attachment to the external; to the past and to the future which may or may not ever come to be. It’s difficult to let go of the intangible. For me, it is even more difficult to let go of the tangible – movie tickets, postcards, photographs, etc. Each item serves as evidence to support a memory. I definitely have hoarding tendencies – and make a conscious effort to randomly throw out stuff sometimes, just to prove to myself that I can get by without it – even though it pains me to do so. My book collection is a prime example. Of course, there are others as well.
On my desk, I have tons of photographs and ‘knick knacks’. My three most important desk items are as follows:
- A small flower pot with silk pink daisies. The terracotta pot is covered in designs drawn in marker by a 5 year-old Girl Twin. It was my first “Mother’s day” present I ever received. It has sat on my desk for 7 years. It is one of my most beautiful possessions.
- A clear glass vase filled with blue post-it note flags and a small bouquet of three fake red roses. Wrapped around the stem of the roses is a small, long dead, wildflower. The post-it flags are supposed to be the water. This was a gift from NBF on our first Valentine’s Day. He asked what I liked and I said office supplies – especially post-it notes. And he delivered!
- A yellow document box. If you were to remove the lid of this box, you’d find my treasure – photographs and cards and trinkets that I often swap out with others on my desk, to keep things “fresh and new”. The box is to keep my desk collection ‘in check’, so it doesn’t get out of hand. Many people probably already think my desk is ‘distracting’ – but if I am spending 50+ hours a week sitting here, I want to be surrounded by things I love.
Thursday, I will be at a new desk, in a new building, for a new position at work. I am very excited – and intend on heading over there on Wednesday afternoon to get acclimated and set up everything. My existing desk is empty of everything personal except the terracotta flower pot, my laptop, and my nametag. My file cabinet is empty. My shelf is dusted off and has extra office supplies on it, for the next person who will reside in cube 2R118. I hope they make it theirs, like I made it mine.
Back to “anicca” – impermanence is the only constant in our world. I want to stop struggling against it. I want to acknowledge it and live accordingly. How do I do this? I don’t know the answers; heck, I don’t even know the questions. I’ll figure them out, though. Of this I am certain. The “answers are out there”, revealing themselves in every birth of a newborn and loss of an old friend. Even the love I feel for my children is constantly changing and evolving. Every day, I find new amazing and wonderful things about them. Every day, I fall in love just a little more than I did the day before.
I suppose, in many ways, impermanence is a gift. It means that I get to create a path and alter it, as needed, so that I focus on the journey itself, and not the destination waiting for me.
Yes, a very generous gift indeed.
PERSONAL NOTE: I love you and your amazing family. I hope that Japan is life-changing for you and that it brings you closer than ever before. Thank you to your amazing husband who serves our country and keeps us safe.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Why do you play games? Just be honest – avoidance is cowardly. Grrrrr.
19 October 2010
Bring my courage back now
Would you bring it back to me?
I’m tired of being afraid of what I can’t change
I want to be living free
~ “Courage” by Glen Phillips
I watch the show “Lie to Me”. By “watch the show” I mean I have watched the first season on Netflix. I think I am 3 seasons behind or something – but that is neither here nor there – because I still consider myself a “Lie to Me” watcher. In the show, there is a character that lives his life based on the radical honesty concept. Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia.com about radical honesty:
Radical Honesty is a technique and self-improvement program developed by Dr. Brad Blanton. The program asserts that lying is the primary source of modern human stress, and that practitioners will become happier by being more honest, even about painful or taboo subjects. Blanton claims this form of honesty can help all human relationships since it "creates an intimacy not possible if you are hiding something for the sake of someone's feelings."
I think I am a good candidate for this philosophy. I certainly don’t filter my thoughts – so why should I need to filter my words? There are people who say that it is more important to demonstrate care for other people’s feelings. I am pretty sure that I could grow used to just stating my true thoughts – once I overcame the guilt and fear and the ‘bitchiness’ stigma. I am pretty sure I would be out of a job before week 1 was complete. Who are we kidding? I would be out of a job by day 2 – and only because it would take people that long to determine whether or not I was suffering from a medical ailment ie. stroking out or having an aneurism. As soon as they decided it was not my health, I’d be gone.
Without a job, I would find it difficult to pay my bills; but at least if the creditors called I could just tell them that I have no money and that until my unemployment check arrives, nobody’s eating steak. That didn’t even really make sense . . . but hopefully it created an image in your head that did make sense. Here’s to hoping!
Okay, on to better banter. I am taking two classes. As of this moment, I have an A+ in both. And in one of the classes, someone even likes sitting by me. In the other class, it’s pretty apparent that NO ONE likes sitting by me, because the entire class sits in their same spots, except the two people who always get stuck sitting by me. LOL I admit, in my Monday night class, I do not go out of my way to be welcoming. I spread my stuff out and I don’t make chit-chat. I also refer to three of the girls in back as the “troll sisters”. And two of them are the “teachers pets” – but not really sure why because neither of them answer very many questions in class. Oh, and the third girl is one of those people that I would befriend out of pity and it would turn into a modern version of “Emma” – and by “modern version” I don’t mean a cool, everyone is beautiful and rich ‘Clueless’ version of Emma. I mean a “Metro Community College” version of “Emma”, which would make Jane Austen die of humiliation, if she weren’t already dead.
I certainly do not believe I am better than these people – we are all equal on this planet. We all have our role to play and our parts to contribute. I just know that my contribution parts shouldn’t comingle with the people in my class (with a few exceptions, and they know who they are). Now, my Thursday night class is completely different – There are 4 people in there that I can tolerate. No, not the guy who is taking the class to represent himself in future criminal trials; nor the woman who comes in wheezing with her heavy breathing; and definitely not the over middle age woman who has a STORY for everything and loves to jump into people’s conversations from across the room to “contribute” when she doesn’t even take as good of notes as I do. GRRRRRRRRRRR!
In my mind, I have been beaten up, run over, and shanked in the side by my classmates – all because I practiced “radical honesty”. The more I think on it, the more doubtful I am about this whole radical change . . . give me evasion, denial, and passive-aggression any day of the week over risking life and limb for letting people know what I really think of them.
PERSONAL NOTE: You’re so vain; you probably think this blog is about you . . .
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: You’re a futher-mucking eejit! Seriously.
16 September 2010
And all my rage sits inside,
And even the finest things are leaving you hollow.
And all my days left behind,
And even the finest things are leaving you hollow.
And the sky is blue, and so are you.
~ “Hollow” by Better than Ezra
It must seem that there has been nothing to read around here for a while. It’s true that there haven’t been many posts these past several weeks. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing; it just means that I haven’t been writing for your eyes. I have actually been writing quite a bit. Granted, I am penning an anonymous ‘blog’ elsewhere, where my identity is secret, my postings are pointed, and my audience is targeted. This has kept me from boring you with topics that do not run along the mainstream.
In addition, I am taking two paralegal classes, which has me reading multiple chapters, writing assignments, and preparing for discussion. I even took out ‘Eidetic Vision’ in hopes that I could begin writing it again. Alas, my muse seems to have deserted me in that area. Now, I just hope I can convert it into a short story so that I no longer need to worry about it. It symbolizes my own failure – frustrating me on a frequent basis. To be honest, I am tired. And that frustrates me as well.
There is so much I want to do and accomplish and . . . and . . . I never seem to catch up with my potential. That damn potential which has haunted me since I sobbed in hysterics in 3rd grade when I received a B+ on a math exam. That is my first memory of truly disappointing myself – I was 8. I regret to inform you that the feeling has never actually dissipated. I still hear the voice in my head telling me that I suck at math. That voice, however, has picked up a few more things to berate me about over the years, and even some people who reiterate what the voice says, just in case I forget that my hand-eye-coordination is lacking or that I didn’t finish my Masters degree or that I am broken because I cannot procreate. Yes, the ‘voices of reason’ have been busy (both inside my head and in the people who live and breathe on this spinning ball of rock and water).
When I sit down and attempt to list all the things that must be accomplished, my left hand grows its own brain and only writes mundane chores, such as going to the bank or the post office. I can feel the first waves of a panic attack and while they don’t evolve into a full-blown anxiety hurricane, they do enough damage to the psyche that I am hoping FEMA responds with a check soon (or at least an asbestos-filled trailer).
NBF is away at law school. Indiana may only be 10 hours by car – but it may as well be ½ way across the world until I go to visit at Thanksgiving. The ‘gap’ between a law student and the rest of the non-law students of the world is a large one. I am doing my best to just sit back and ‘go with the flow’. I don’t want to be another stressor. Plus I have too much stress in my own life to worry about something out of my control.
I think longingly of that TV show from the 80s about the girl who was an alien and could stop time. I want that girl’s power. Damn, what I wouldn’t give to be able to stop this world from spinning for just a little while.
PERSONAL NOTE: That baby will be here anytime now – get all the rest you can until then.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: No, I don’t think so. It was a good idea in theory; but practical applications are limited.
01 September 2010
I need you here
But you're out there on your own
Do you still look like the pictures in my telephone?
Hiding out in your room, we could be alone
Laughing out loud
You need me here
But I'm always so far away
~ ‘So Obvious’ by Runner Runner
The 7 year itch is a fascinating movie about the concept that after being married for 7 years, one feels like they must stray from the marriage for some excitement. Well, folks, today my marriage officially hits the 7 year date – only there is no marriage. Still, it was a great wedding. The twins were adorable in their little outfits, and my sisters (plus Ali-Son) looked lovely in their bridesmaid dresses. I was dressed like an Irish princess, and overall, the day was a hit, even as the clouds rolled in. I should look into posting some pictures – of at least my sisters, and the twins. Not so sure the groomsmen or even the groom for that matter, need to be “featured”. Especially, since he is remarried. Not so sure that’d be a great plan.
What does one say to her ex-husband on the anniversary of their now defunct marriage? Many of you are thinking “NOTHING! SAY NOTHING!” – Alas, that isn’t me. Plus, I know that he remembers the anniversary date and to say nothing would be disingenuous on my part. I simply sent him a quick IM that said, ‘Happy Nostalgia Day’. Now, there is no “elephant in the room”. Good thing, too, because I have enough unmentionables that I cannot afford to add another damn ‘elephant’ to my collection.
Looking back, though, I am so very grateful for what that day has meant in my life. I was granted two amazing children (whom I refuse to relinquish), an extended family which include T and L (two people I couldn’t possibly live without) and an exceptional learning experience which has taught me what is and is NOT acceptable in a loving relationship. Overall, I definitely received the better end of the deal.
Without further ado, I’d like to make a toast to never regretting making a decision based on love; as the long-term consequences can bring even greater joy.
PERSONAL NOTE: Thank you for being my best friend.
05 August 2010
Lose control, of body and soul.
Don't move too fast, people, just take it slow.
Don't get ahead, just jump into it.
Ya'll here a body, two pieces to it.
~ "Let's Get It Started" by Black Eyed Peas
So, we did it. We walked 60 blistering miles in 3 days. It was amazing and painful and everything in between. Thank you to everyone who sent me letters and cards of support during the event. They made a huge difference, I assure you. You can view our pictures on shutterfly: SBPS3day.shutterfly.com The team will continue to upload pictures this week.
Fourth Time is a Charm
Yes, mere days after returning from walking 60 miles in Cleveland, I have already registered for the 2011 event in Michigan, August 12 - 14, 2011.
For the 4th year in a row, I will be raising funds and awareness in the fight against Breast Cancer. My legs still hurt. My feet still itch. The thought of wearing a pair of walking shoes makes me cringe. Yet, I know I will do so, over and over again, until this fight is won.
I read a t-shirt this weekend that said, "Anyone who says winning isn't everything is not fighting breast cancer." That about sums it up.
I walk because I can. I walk for those who walked before me. I walk for those who now wear wings. I walk eith the hope and belief that my steps will make a difference.
Please support me as I take another amazing journey in the fight to end breast cancer! The Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure™ is a 60-mile walk over the course of three days. Net proceeds from the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure™ are invested in breast cancer research and community programs.
Top Ten from the 2010 Susan G. Komen 3 Day for the Cure in Cleveland
10. Fine. . . . NOT FINE!
8. I feel great except for that one little blister.
7. 5 miles left? That’s like walking the dog, no problem.
6. Seriously, I need to pee.
5. It's NOT a race!!!!!
4. Crack . . . step up. .. Hole. . Incline
3. Big Girl Panties and beer
2. Find your gait
and finally. . .
1. That’s the 10th time you’ve tried to hold my hand . . . your mom tried to hold my hand
Take 158,400 Steps to End Breast Cancer!
When we hear that another loved one is diagnosed with breast cancer, we all ask the question: Is there anything I can do? Well, I have the answer. We can walk or crew or cheer for those who do!!!
I'm asking you to join the Second Base Preservation Society and walk 60 miles over the course of three days or volunteer to Crew and help end breast cancer through the 2011 Michigan (Detroit) Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure, August 12 - 14, 2011.
I hope to raise at least $10,000 as a team, for breast cancer research and community programs that might save the lives of countless other mothers, sisters and aunts. Together, we can do it. You can count on me to do everything I can to help you train, raise funds, and prepare for this incredible journey. This will be my 4th year fund raising and walking in this life changing event.
It is not easy. There will be hardships and aches and pains and cursing. Your body will want to quit before the end. There will also be laughter, joy, tears, and fun! The Susan G. Komen 3 Day for the Cure will change your life.
Individual walkers have a $2,300 minimum fund raising commitment. Crew members do not need to raise any funds; but are welcome to assist the walkers who are doing so.
With the discount code: CURE2011, registration is only $55.00, instead of the normal, $90.00.
Let's gather together in the spirit of healing, hope and love. This is the first step. To register for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure, go to http://The3Day.org or call 800-996-3DAY. OR visit my personal page and join the team by clicking on: Join Jillian's Team!
For those who cannot make this commitment, please consider planning a trip to Michigan during this event and participating in the cheering stations, where members of the public can cheer on the walkers as they participate in this event. I am happy to answer any questions you may have about the Susan G. Komen 3 Day for the Cure experience.
20 July 2010
But somehow she got a postcard in the mail
That just said Heaven with a picture of the ocean and the beach
And the simple words he wrote her
Said he loves her and they told her
How he'd hold her if his arms would reach
~ ‘Wish You Were here’ by Mark Wills
For the past few years, every time I left town, I would buy a postcard or two and send them to my grandpa. I had my friends bring back postcards from their travels, so I could mail those too. In fact, at this moment, I know that NBF has already selected some postcards in Europe for me to send to my grandpa. Unfortunately, they won’t get here in time for me to mail them. Still, on Saturday, I told my grandpa that they had been purchased so he knew they would be forthcoming. I told him how very much I love him and also how grateful I am for all of the love he has shown me. And then I said, ‘Goodbye’, reminding him that he owes me a postcard once he gets “there”.
I am blessed because I had grandparents through my entire childhood and well into adulthood. Most people are not so lucky. I have also been lucky enough to be able to say my farewells to one grandmother and one grandfather. My maternal grandmother was in hospice for some time and I visited her for that last conversation, one that I will treasure forever. And once again, time was on my side, and I was able to have that same experience with my grandfather. He will be gone soon, and I am comforted by our final words.
It was explained to me once that death is God’s way of making room on Earth for the next generation. I am ‘good’ with that logic. It makes sense to me. I don’t fear death or whatever happens after we leave this life. No matter how many doubts attempt to creep into my mind, innate beliefs reassure me that there is no finality to our love. My grandfather led an amazing life. He set examples that I will forever try to emulate. While I do not have his green thumb, I do have other legacies from him, which include a love of reading, learning, and being an overall, good person.
While I don’t expect to receive an actual postcard in the mail, I know that his message will get sent in one form or another. I eagerly await its delivery.
PERSONAL NOTE: Have an amazing time in Amsterdam!
07 July 2010
Everything is not what it seems
When you can have what you want by the simplest of means
Be careful not to mess with the balance of things
Because everything is not what it seems
~ “Not What it Seems” by Selena Gomez
In a couple of weeks, my darling NBF will be heading across the pond to spend two weeks backpacking through Europe with one of his best friends. I will remain here, in the wild and crazy Midwest, going through the storage garage and hopefully, reducing my belongings to 50% of the current volume. I have boxes and boxes of books, kitchen items, and other very nice household goods which need to be relocated in exchange for cash. The books will likely end up at “Half Price Books” since I don’t have the time or energy to catalog the collection for resale. All of the other stuff, however, will be sold to the highest bidders. I have A LOT of stuff and most of it was used for less than a year before being packed up, unceremoniously transported from Texas to Nebraska by movers of ill repute, then placed in a storage unit. I will be going through everything, taking photographs, repacking anything I want to keep into sturdy Rubbermaid tubs, and putting the rest on Craigslist. I am not talking about low-quality plastic dishes, etc. I have 8 full place settings, plus all of the accessories and baking pans for the ‘Sango’ Nova Black stoneware collection. It is lovely and while I will miss it greatly, I feel ridiculous having it sit in storage when someone could be using it.
My goal is to safely repack and store everything I am keeping before I participate in the 2010 Susan G. Komen 3 Day for the Cure, July 30 – August 1. I honestly don’t know which will be a prouder accomplishment. I am a horrible procrastinator when it comes to thinning out my personal belongings. I crave stability in my life so desperately that I often confuse simplifying with sacrificing. The two are not the same and it has taken me 30 years to figure it out. If anyone has any suggestions for downsizing a life, please contact me. I can use all of the pointers (and encouragement) that are offered.
This week, however, I am not focused on simplifying anything. This week, I have an interview for a different position at work, and a Series 63 exam to pass. In celebration of passing my Series 63 (which I will do) NBF and I are going to see Barenaked Ladies at Stir Cove. I have never seen them live and I know it will be a Canadian treat of the highest order.
For those who don’t know, I have reached my personal goal of raising $2,500 for the 3 Day this year. The rest of my team is progressing along; but could use some assistance, especially from people whose employers match donations. Check out our website: www.SBPS3Day.com and click on ‘Meet the Team’ . Each member’s total and a link to their donation page are listed. Feel free to donate to anyone under $2,300. Even $5.00 will help us meet our goal!
Send good karmic thoughts my way as I follow my path to success!
PERSONAL NOTE: Thank you, again, for such a wonderful weekend. Spending time with each of you made it special!
25 June 2010
And you're singing the songs
Thinking this is the life
And you wake up in the morning and you're head feels twice the size
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go?
~ “this is the Life” by Amy Macdonald
A few months ago, I bought a sofa, which folds down into a full-size bed. Now that GirlTwin is 5’6”, I assumed that she would want her own sleeping space while she is visiting. I was wrong. Luckily for me, my pre-teen still lets me treat her like a little girl when it comes to bedtime. These past few nights, she’s been in bed with me, Elizabeth, and Gracie. While she has always been a fitful sleeper, now that she is taller, her every movement causes a ripple effect on the bed. She moves, then Ebie shifts, and Gracie changes positions, waking me up as she ‘kneads’ my head to get comfortable again. To compound matters, last night the “Tooth Fairy” came, having to get the tooth container out of GirlTwin’s pillowcase so that it could be exchanged for money. I have no idea how the entire clan didn’t wake up from that maneuvering. I love every moment she is here and I am so blessed to still be in her life.
Last night was our Second Base Preservation Society Multi-Vendor Open House. Six people came, not including the vendors. GirlTwin sold a ton of raffle tickets and a couple of t-shirts to the vendors and the six guests. I am so close to my goal of $2,300 that it was disappointing more people didn’t’ show up – especially with the vendors donating proceeds to the Susan G. Komen 3 Day for the Cure. So, for all of the people that didn’t get to go, please check out the website www.SBPS3Day.com fundraising page for the links to the vendor sites. They are holding the orders until July 1 to give everyone a chance to order something. Or you can make a direct donation at www.the3day.org/goto/jtuck2010
This weekend we plan on going to the zoo, getting a haircut for GirlTwin, going on a Training Walk, and doing some crafts. This must be the least relaxing vacation she has ever had. Yesterday, I let her stay at the house all day to work on her reading and crafting. She called me in the morning to alert me that Gracie escaped to the great outside. I mumbled, “That damn whore”, to myself, then let GirlTwin know that she’d come back when she was done gallivanting around the neighborhood. Sure enough, she returned around noon, very upset that no one was there to greet her. She then escaped again before we left for the event. And once again, upon our return, she was on the front porch, starting at us in an accusatory fashion. I swear that cat has a superiority complex.
For those with ideas on how to entertain a 12 year old girl on a budget, please let me know.
Keep my sister and her fiancée in your thoughts. Their house is underwater from extensive flooding in Missouri.
That is all. You may go.
PERSONAL NOTE: Hope the reunion is fun!
22 June 2010
Everyone has their private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you....
~ ‘Beautiful’ by Eminem
The past few days have been incredibly busy. I spent Friday locked in a glass room, being recorded by cameras while I took the Series 7 exam. Yay for me, I passed. Getting that giant gorilla off my back was a relief like none I have ever known. I celebrated with some peeps downtown. And surprisingly, my shenanigans did not get us arrested or even kicked out of anyplace we visited. Perhaps it helped that every person we came across was required to clap or cheer for me due to my exam success!!!
Saturday, NBF, my Niece Tibbie, and I went to KC to pick up GirlTwin at the airport. Thanks to the magic of GPS, I was able to get from the airport to Oceans of Fun just in time for black clouds to roll in out of nowhere and dump a deluge of water, lightning, and wind on us for 2 hours. Not to fear, we waited out the storm in the ridiculously rickety gift shop, where flying projectiles consisting of snow globes, sunglasses, and key chains could have very-well killed us. Luckily for us, the structure held (though the electricity didn’t). Once the wind died down a little, we hurried over to our rented cabana and took advantage of lunch service so that we would be ready to play when the park attractions reopened. Sure enough, the storm vanished almost as abruptly as it had appeared, leaving the half-occupied waterpark, under clear blue skies. We enjoyed every slide the place had to offer, which really isn’t saying all that much. Still, it was a fun day and everyone was exhausted from the frivolity.
For dinner, we went to a recommended Mexican restaurant in St. Joseph, MO. To keep the girls entertained, we decided to behave like robots. The poor waiter was terrified of us by the end of the meal. I was highly impressed with GirlTwin and Niece Tibbie for their participation with limited laughter. We wouldn’t have won any Oscars for our performances; but we could have easily done community theatre with ease.
Having GirlTwin here is such a treat and I am looking forward to the rest of our adventures over the next two weeks.
I just want to remind everyone that our Open House Fundraiser is this Thursday, 6:00 – 8:30pm at Billings Photography. Please plan on attending, supporting the Breast Cancer team, and buying some amazing gifts.
PERSONAL NOTE: I think that you are a complete and total whack-job. I don’t know how you function in the real world, because your delusions of grandeur have even astounded me. Good luck being a supah-stah!!!
10 June 2010
But Mariella just smiled as she skipped down the road
because she knew all the secrets in her world.
yeah, she always got the crossword puzzle right every day
and she could do the alphabet backwards, without making any mistakes.
~ “Mariella” by Kate Nash
I lost my self-control this week with regards to not reading the news. I know that people want to keep up with current events; but let’s be realistic; most current events are about devastation (BP and some oil leak) and mayhem (the little Dutch boy and his murder addiction). Yet, I had to look; had to be “in the know”, as they say. Due to my curiosity, I now know that the sun is pissed and it is going to start sending solar storms our way, possibly interfering with satellite communication or killing us all – the scientists just don’t know. Poor Abby Sunderland, the 16 year-old girl sailing around the globe solo, is missing somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Oh, and I am pretty sure that Lindsay Lohan is drinking again. All of this scary stuff is making me agoraphobic.
To make matters worse, NBF is heading to Bloomington this weekend, to find a place to live and meet his law professors. I will be holed up in my house, wearing tin foil on my head to prevent solar flare radiation, and studying for that damn exam I take next week. Luckily for me, I will also be peddling my Second Base Preservation Society t-shirts in front of the Papillion Devil-Mart for 4 hours on Saturday. Stop on by to purchase a t-shirt and some raffle tickets or to make a donation to the cause. Or better yet, make a donation directly on the website: www.the3day.org/goto/jtuck2010 .
On a positive note, my favourite TV shows are back on the air for their summer seasons. This, my friends, makes me so very happy. In fact, one of these aforementioned shows allowed me to view one of the most humbling commercials on TV – the Twix commercial where the guy asks the girl at the party to go back to his place and when she gets insulted, he takes a bite of his Twix, then says he thought she was someone who liked to blog about her ideals – to which she responds, “Oh, I love blogging.” And she goes home with him – where it is safe to assume, no blogging actually went on. While I seldom blog about my ideals (Prince Harry for American King) I do like to think that blogging females are not as naïve and gullible as the chick in the commercial. While it is true that we assume people want to read the thoughts pouring out of our heads, we are not so naïve to believe that a guy would take us home for our thoughts. LOL that is just plain silliness.
PUBLIC NOTE: Free Beer for anyone who helps me move boxes this weekend from one storage unit to another. It will literally take less than an hour.
PERSONAL NOTE: I cannot wait to meet Imacoolbaby
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: *wink wink* *nudge nudge*
28 May 2010
Forever could never be long enough for me
Feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now, we won't let them see
That there's one thing left to do
~ “Marry Me” by Train
Recently, for a work newsletter, I was asked to describe my favourite vacation memory in 100 words or less. There was a time when I though 100 words was a long essay. In this case, I felt pressured to reduce a memory down to 100 words. Still, I did it, because I am a “rule follower”. This was the result:
Without a doubt, my favorite vacation memory is of the 2009 Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3 Day. While I have fond memories of other vacations where I was able to relax and sightsee, nothing compares to a vacation spent with my sister, doing something physically exhausting and emotionally exhilarating. Hands clasped, my sister and I joyfully entered Soldier Field after walking 60 miles for a cause close to our hearts. Those three days created a lifetime worth of memories for us to share, and unlike when we go to Las Vegas, we didn't have to swear each other to secrecy.
This small success inspired me to create a far more difficult challenge. Write more excerpts from my life – but in 25 words or less. Here are some of my results:
I was 12. My jean jacket buttons tangled in a stranger’s hair when Debbie Gibson sang “Shake Your Love”. Imagine an arena of screaming teeny-boppers.
People who don’t know public restroom etiquette. Don’t sit in the stall next to me when the rest are empty. And wash your damn hands.
Meet boy. Kiss boy. Spend 17 months enjoying a relationship without pressure and games. And he is smart and ever-so-handsome. I am a lucky girl!
Sisters and brothers. Youngest to oldest, they are an entrepreneur, an engineer, a pirate, a social butterfly, and an academic. I love being the oldest.
Those are just a few I came up with. Soon, maybe I will be able to condense my entire life into one haiku. Who knows what wonders my future holds?
If you haven’t bought a Second Base Preservation Society t-shirt yet, please do. The Second Base Preservation Society is selling T-Shirts to support the 2010 Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3 Day. Participants walk 60 miles over the course of 3 days and raise a minimum of $2,300 each toward the cause. T-shirts are only $15.00 each and “everyone who is anyone” is wearing one in support of the fight against Breast Cancer! I have them on hand -- and can deliver or mail them.
You can pay with a check, cash, or PayPal (direct bank transfer only). Our PayPal e-mail address is: SBPS3Day@gmail.com They are available in White, Gray, and Pink! Please include $3.00 for shipping.
Also, visit our new website at: www.SBPS3Day.com
PERSONAL NOTE: What is a “Hills Print”? They seem far more relaxing that what we were discussing previously.
24 May 2010
All these consequences keep running around your head
but who knows what they'll say, when it all comes down to...
through the moonlight glow I know, heart racing fast as it can go
our eyes meet instantly, you're on your way.
~ “Allow Me To Introduce Myself...Mr. Right.” By the White Tia Affair
There are many definitions of ‘family’. Some say it is a bond of blood – others may define it as a bond of legality, i.e. marriage or adoption. I am from neither of those philosophies. Instead, I choose to take my definition of family from the beloved children’s author, Dr. Seuss:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”That’s family to me. Blood is only so thick and marriages can be dissolved. The unconditional acceptance of another person; that is a true familial bond. Two people who come to mind are Girl Twin and Boy Twin’s mom and step-dad. Truly, how much more dysfunctional can the concept be? The ex of my ex and her husband. Yet, they are as much family as my own flesh and blood. I cannot think of two better examples of unconditional acceptance. No matter where I go or what I do, I know, without a doubt, that they have my back. Circumstances may have brought us together, but choice keeps us there.
I have an amazing family circle which consists of friends I have chosen and relatives that were chosen for me. Think of the people you called “Aunt So-and so” growing up, only to find that they really weren’t your aunt at all. They were just close family friends who were given the “honorary” title of “Aunt”. I have a beautiful variety of “nieces and nephews” thanks to the honorary title system. It pleases me immensely that I am “Auntie Jillian”. That familial role allows me to share in the joys of all the milestones children have, first step, first word, first day of school, all those firsts that I most likely will never have with children of my own body. And I know in my heart, that I know what it is like to be a mother, with all its happiness and heartbreak, thanks to the generosity of the people mentioned above.
I guess what I am trying to say, in the most ineloquent manner possible, is that I have chosen my family and I love that I have been able to do so. I know that I don’t always show my appreciation in the manner I should. Life gets busy and I get distracted. But, you know who you are. I love you. I couldn’t get through life without you in it. I can only hope that my contribution to your life is half as valuable.
Now raise a glass to “family” and forget about all those relatives you’d rather not see over the holidays – because in the end, it is all “relative”.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I think this sums up why I was hurt. Does this help explain it?
12 May 2010
Without you there's no reason for my story
And when I’m with you I can always act the same
Forever, yeah if we're together
We can make it better
~ “You and I” by Anarbor
I was so excited for my Tuesday dentist appointment. Why wouldn’t I be? I knew when I left that I would have pristine teeth and would have spent at least 15 minutes with ‘Hot Dentist’. Hell, after last Fall’s root canal debacle, I was looking forward to a couple bite-wing x-rays and a simple check-up. I have been flossing and brushing as directed, so I didn’t foresee any issues.
The hygienist was nice and she did a good job of chatting without asking questions while she was cleaning my pearly whites. When it was finally time for ‘Hot Dentist’ to come into my patient room, the teeth cleaner said ‘Dr. W’ will be right in. *Shut the front door!* My mind was reeling from the shock. “I’m sorry, who will be coming in?” That’s when she told me, “Hot Dentist” left the practice a few weeks ago. I feigned indifference, and muttered casually, “Oh, really, where did he go?” She responded, “Colorado”. Bloody hell! Are you kidding me? My end-all-be-all dentist moved out-of-state. “Ah, I see,” was my response.
Then Dr. W walked in. Any hopes that he would be better looking than ‘Hot Dentist’ were crushed when I looked up and saw a girl dentist. Lost in despair, I looked at her dentist coat and observed an embroidered pink breast cancer ribbon on the pocket. To top it off, she was really funny, told me I have beautiful teeth (as if I didn’t know), and almost made me forget all about my disappointment in never seeing ‘Hot Dentist’ again. I made the decision to keep going to her when I saw the Bright Pink font on her business cards. I cannot trust my teeth to “just anyone”.
Brush and floss daily!
PUBLIC SHOUT-OUT: Congratulations to NBF for getting accepted to Indiana University Law, a top 25 law school! You are amazing!!!!!
PERSONAL NOTE: Thank you for your assistance today. Sorry about Pajama Boy being sad.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I hope you are not naming it, “Aloysius”.
10 May 2010
My evil tongue
Does seem to run
With a mind of it's own
I must be cursed,
I always make it worse
You may as well just take me home
~ “I Talk to Much” by Just Jack
Life has been a little more “terrain-filled” than I generally like, but, my horoscope indicates that the backsliding should cease soon. I am all for a lack of backsliding. I feel like Sisyphus most days. I study, I work, I do not get enough sleep, then I “rinse and repeat” the next day. I have a nice leather journal with pristine (and empty) pages. I had someone ask me what motivates me and the only thing that came to mind was “maternal instinct”. Granted, I was asked this particular question on Mother’s Day, so maternal instinct was definitely on the brain.
I think I need a life coach. Wasn’t there a reality show that revolved around getting a Life Coach and creating the life that was meant to be lived? With graduation season upon us, I desperately want to address the graduation class of 2010 with words of wisdom which include “following your bliss” and “doing what you love” and “reduce dependence on material goods”. Easy to say, hard to live. I am not motivated by money – but perhaps that is because I have no money with which to be motivated. *sigh* I truly am motivated by my desire to be a good role model for the twins (all 3 sets of twins, actually). My incessant desire to be a mother is an excellent motivator.
I have all but given up on ever carrying my own child, even if I could afford the IVF treatments. I have a feeling that my body is a hostile one. Adoption, on the other hand, would be so beautiful and amazing. I read all of these horror stories of unplanned pregnancies which end in abused infants; abandonment; or even death. I would gladly take on one of those babies and love them. I wouldn’t even have to adopt them. I would happily serve as a guardian for one of those unloved children. I have two brothers who would happily serve as male role models for any child I brought into my home. I cannot imagine a child who could be so loved, while not living in a traditional nuclear household.
Anyway, someday, I will have the opportunity to be a full-time mother. I hope.
PUBLIC NOTE: For anyone who is waiting on Second Base Preservation Society t-shirts – they will be mailed tomorrow, I promise. Sorry for the delay.
PERSONAL NOTE: I will miss you.
26 April 2010
You taught me things I can't forget
Positions that I don't regret
I can't walk away
And I can't shake the taste
~”Beware! Cougar!” by The Academy Is. . .
I know it has been a while since I have written anything and I suppose it’s because I am so busy with work and studying and life. On the other hand, it may also be the serious backlash toward blogs, in general, which leaves me a little cynical that anyone wants to actually read what I write. I had tried writing in a journal again – but I find that it is a practice I may have forgotten – as writing for no one to read is a little to anti-climactic for me now. Sad, isn’t it?
Facebook is in the news again with its complete disregard for user privacy. Could this be the beginning of the end to social networking? Doubtful. Still, I am not sure that I like the idea that I have no control over the privacy of my information. I don’t care about regular people reading my info – it is the fact that Facebook wants to make money off of my information which annoys me. If they want to make money off my information, then I deserve a portion of it. What’s in it for me? My profile is set to private – but what is to stop some employer or private investigator from paying Facebook for the information which I make private? Good Gourd!
So now, I have to decide whether I want to delete all private information, including my date of birth, mailing address, e-mail address, name, etc from my profile. And if I do delete all that, then what is the point of being on a social networking site? I don’t use Facebook to meet NEW people – so there seems to be little point left of using it at all. I mean, the only news I ever see is about your farm anyway – or what you LIKE this week!
I need to find a way to develop a social networking site that is self-sustainable without having to take advantage of the users. And I assure you that I would come up with a much better name than Facebook. And for those of you who are silently thinking, “Facebook” cannot be toppled. Well, I can guarantee that a young man, named Tom, thought that once about his own Space, and now that place is a wasteland. It’s funny how fickle the people can get!
Today I ordered some books on Amazon as gifts. All of them are based on blogs, viral e-mails, or Twitter subscriptions. Publishers eat this stuff up. And kudos to the peeps who got a deal made before the frenzy dies down. I am neither focused enough nor prolific enough to find someone who wants to pay to publish or read anything that I have written. Maybe I need to find a niche – any ideas? I thought a book of humorous haikus would be great, since I used to send them out on postcards all the time to be silly. I am sure it has already been done by someone out there. My original idea well has evaporated.
I’ll keep thinking. Maybe a combination of haikus, funny photographs, and random curse words? I could title it: ‘The Last Original Thought I Will Ever Have”. Okay, I am taking pre-orders now. If I can get 10k prepaid-orders, I’ll bet I can find a publisher. Ready, Set, GO!
PERSONAL NOTE: You make me all warm.
PUBLIC NOTE: Selling Second Base Preservation Society t-shirts to support my Susan G. Komen 3 Day team. Only $15.00 each. They come in Gray or White. Buy ten now.
21 April 2010
Your donations have been invaluable. The dollars raised are making immense developments in the breast cancer movement.
Did you know that virtually every major advance in the fight against breast cancer has been touched by Susan G. Komen for the Cure®? That they've helped train more than 400 breast cancer researchers and funded more than 1,800 research projects over the past 27 years? That because of donors like you, Komen for the Cure has provided more money for breast cancer research and community health programs than any entity besides the U.S. government? Komen for the Cure's goal is to "energize science to find the cures.”
More early detection - nearly 75 percent of women over 40 years old now receive regular mammograms, the single most effective tool for detecting breast cancer early (in 1982, less than 30 percent received a clinical exam).
More hope - the five-year survival rate for breast cancer, when caught early before it spreads beyond the breast, is now 98 percent (compared to 74 percent in 1982).
More research - the federal government now devotes more than $900 million each year to breast cancer research, treatment and prevention (compared to $30 million in 1982).
More survivors - America’s 2.5 million breast cancers survivors, the largest group of cancer survivors in the U.S., are a living testament to the power of society and science to save lives.
Thank you for your help in eradicating breast cancer. I know I can meet my goal of $2,300, so we can reach our ultimate goal of a world without breast cancer.
Please know how very much I appreciate your support. If you know of anyone who would be interested in joining this fight, please send this this e-mail and direct them to my page: www.the3day.org/goto/jtuck2010
Breast Cancer Fact: Breast cancer knows no boundaries—be it age, gender, socio-economic status or geographic location.
13 April 2010
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
~ “Hey, Jealousy” by Gin Blossoms
Not sure if anyone remembers a few months back when I accidentally texted the wrong number and the wife of the poor guy called me and demanded to know who I was and why I was texting her husband to let him know I arrived back in Nebraska safely. Well, on Easter, I once again texted this person – obviously I hadn’t saved the corrected number for my friend. This time, the guy responded in Spanish. To which I realized it was the wrong number AGAIN, so I did not respond.
This morning, I get a phone call from a PRIVATE NUMBER; quite early actually. I answer, not knowing who it could be. It was a very pissed off Latina women who did not have a good connection, resulting in me not knowing what she was saying. All I could tell is that she was not a happy wifey. After 30 seconds of me asking her to hold on so that I could leave the office. She begins demanding to know who I am. Knowing that the guy’s marriage could be in jeopardy, I did not get evasive or defensive. I told her my name and complete details of the 30 second text exchange on Easter morning. She was looking on the computer; not on her husband’s cell phone so she couldn’t see the actual text messages – just the record of them. She said I want to believe you . . . but this seems suspicious. I asked her if she wanted me to forward her the messages. She did. She gave me her cell phone number and I quickly forwarded all three messages in a manner much faster than I could have typed them myself.
She texted me back this message:
That’s ok thank you for saying the true”
I apologized again. And I corrected the number, once again, in my Contacts. I pray this does not happen again. I don’t know that she will continue to behave somewhat rationally. I use the term ‘rationally’ loosely. This exchange does make me wonder, though, if she is so untrusting, why is she still married to the guy? How does he put up with it? Or, is she rightfully concerned? Has he had affairs before? I am so curious about this unknown Spanish-speaking couple. What is their story?
I am blessed to be in a relationship where neither of us feels the least bit inclined to read each other’s text messages, e-mails, etc. My philosophy is this: “I don’t look for something I don’t want to find.” I think the world would be a much happier place if more people followed the “Willful Blindness” formula.
On a completely unrelated topic, I want to see the 3D version of “Clash of the Titans”. I remember the original movie from when I was a kid. I loved it. Hopefully this one will not disappoint.
Have a nice day.
PUBLIC NOTE: Order a Second Base Preservation T-Shirt for $15.00. They come in Gray or White.
PERSONAL NOTE: I like you.
29 March 2010
We are all made of air
There's stars in my eyes and there's sun in my hair
And I'm running away, it makes me feel better
~ “Brand New Shoes” by She and Him
I picked up my new contacts this weekend. My left eye (the one with the spork scar) got a little worse. My right eye (the one without a spork scar) improved. The new prescription doesn’t affect me much while driving or walking around – but at a computer monitor, there is MASSIVE improvement. I no longer see blurry letters while reading e-mails. My eyes actually focus immediately upon looking at the screen. What a relief!
As you know, my beautiful car is named Lucius Verus, and my license plates say LUCIUS V to honor one of the lesser-known former emperors of Rome. Saturday, when I came out of my car after visiting a local retailer, there was a piece of notebook paper on my windshield. I grabbed the hastily scribbled note and laughed aloud as I read these words:
“Harry Potter is NOT happy about this. . .
p.s. I rose from the grave. 926-XXXX”
It took me a few seconds to realize the reference was to my license plates. Lucius Malfoy is a villain in the Harry Potter series (for the one person who hasn’t read at least one of the books) and “V” clearly stands for he who shall not be named, also from the series. Amused at this clever (if not somewhat juvenile) interpretation, I texted the number which was left on the notebook paper. Here is the short conversation which followed:
ME: It says LUCIUS V for Lucius Verus, a Roman emperor. Cute note though.Unfortunately, I did not see the aforementioned car – but based on the torn sheet of notebook paper and the handwriting, I assume they are too young, even for me. Still, they were clever, and I have to appreciate their sense of humour.
HP FAN: Haha it says lucius v for voledemort. . .
HP FAN: The two ppl that passed you. Big car in front of yours that pulled off when you were still in your car was us. The dark lord is no match for harry.
I also am considering getting new plates which say L VERUS instead, to avoid further confusion. When these expire, perhaps. Lastly, here is my most recent plea for donations for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day for the Cure.
Hi. As April approaches (far too rapidly for my comfort) my desperation increases. In 124 days, I will embark on a 3 day journey to walk 60 miles to fight Breast Cancer. The Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure is a 60-mile walk over the course of three days. Net proceeds from the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure™ are invested in breast cancer research and community programs. Our team, the Second Base Preservation Society, is walking in Cleveland July 30 - Aug 2. Unlike in years past, the economy is such that large donations are very hard to come by. Even my own ability to donate has decreased. I completely understand. That is why I have broken it down to these smaller, much more manageable numbers.
I have to raise a minimum of $2,300 to even participate in the walk. Whatever I don't raise in donations will be going on my credit card due to the walker contractual agreement with the Susan G. Komen 3 Day for the Cure. This means that I have to raise $12.32 a day for the next 124 days. If I could get 124 people to each sponsor a day -- I'll meet my requirement. Or, if you can make a larger donation, I only have to raise $84.83 per week, for the next 18 weeks.
I could break it down by the hour or even the minute, if it would help inspire you to make a donation. Please, tell me what I need to do in order to encourage your monetary support. You can make an online donation with a credit or debit card at: www.the3day.org/goto/jtuck2010
It is secure and safe and easy and the thing to do. Thank you for your moral and financial support as I once again take on this monumental task to stop a disease that stops too many women (and men). Donate to honour a female in your life who means a lot to you.
PERSONAL NOTE: Thank you for your donation today. As Natalie Merchant would say, you are kind and generous
PRIVATE NOTE: You are smart and handsome and all a girl could want in a guy!
10 March 2010
The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly
~ “Vanilla Twilight” by Owl City
Why is it that when one feels vulnerable or hurt the best defense is always a good offense? I am non-confrontational by nature. Therefore, I tend to engage in guerilla warfare (aka passive-aggressive behaviour) disguised as hostility. My tone of voice and facial expressions give more away than I like to admit. Over the past 14 months, I have put forth considerable effort in reducing my passive-aggressive tendencies. I actively practice assertiveness and direct discussion on a daily basis. I made the decision to exercise rational thought and logic – and for the most part, I have succeeded. Strike that – I HAD succeeded, until I started on this special Lenten, high nutrition, primarily liquid, diet. It appears that restricted calories and “grey-colored” smoothies have not done much for my winning personality. For that, I am sorry.
In other news, I received a “tweet” from an ex-boyfriend today that told me my childhood teen idol is dead. Corey Haim apparently died of a drug overdose this morning at the age of 38. I guess he never could kill the demons which haunted him. Why is it that so many child-stars end up so horribly unhappy as adults? What’s really crazy is that his “wikipedia” article has already been updated with his death and it’s been less than 3 hours. His personal; website is NOT updated, however, and instead is advertising his new film:
“Giordano World Entertainment is showcasing AMERICAN SUNSET which is being touted as Corey Haim’s big comeback to movies.”I have two comments to this: 1. By theatrical release, they mean “RedBox” and 2. Not so sure that this “comeback role” will help his career now.
The website BIO section also had this to say, “BTW, Ladies: COREY is currently absolutely happy, thrilled and completely cool about being single – yes, he’s available!” The website doth protest too much, methinks. Moot point now, I imagine.
Still, I find the situation rather sad. Granted, I am not as profoundly effected as I was when Heath Ledger died – but, perhaps the reason is that most people thought Corey Haim was dead already (except me and the 5 people who watched that show, ‘The Two Coreys’ on A&E a couple years ago). I am interested to see how his death is Corey Feldman’s gain. More royalty checks when USA Network holds a Corey Haim movie marathon, including such greats as “Lost Boys” and “License to Drive”.
PERSONAL NOTE: I love you. I was out of line. My apologies.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Words are more than black and white.
09 February 2010
So when you’re done doing whatever
And when you’re through doin’ whoever
You know Denton County will be right here
Waiting for you
~ “Ohio (Come Back to Texas)” by Bowling for Soup
After driving 658.3 miles through pouring rain, blowing snow, and enough construction zones to employ half the nation, I sent out my first mass text in months, letting friends in Texas and Nebraska know that I made it home safely. I then had enough energy to take a bath and stumble into bed for a well-deserved nap. 20 minutes into this nap, my phone rang. The caller ID indicated Private Number. I answered only to have a woman ask why I left her husband a message. I assured her that I did not leave messages for anyone. She then, in angry broken English clarify that I had sent her husband a text message.
She asked if I sent the message by mistake, as her husband was “claiming” he didn’t know me (I could practically see her making the quotes marks in the air with her hands). I said that I had sent a text letting some friends know that I had made it home from Texas to Nebraska. I apologized if her husband received the message by mistake. I asked for his number so I could look it up in my contacts. She then started asking me point blank if I know Jorge. I said I knew no one named Jorge and AGAIN apologized. She gave me Jorge’s number and I said I will make sure to correct my contact info. She offered to call me back later. For what, I am not sure. I assured her that calling me again was not necessary and that I would remove her husband’s number from my phone immediately.
I am sorry, Jorge! Truly I am. It sounds like you have a good woman and I don’t want to get in the way of family stuff. And by the way – I did find the contact info in my phone. It was for a certain “70s Porn Star”. I made sure that I sent HIS wife a text as well. And she responded far nicer than Jorge’s wife did. It pays to be secure in one’s relationship.
It is cold here. Very cold. I don’t care for it.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: You are extremely attractive. Truly!
PERSONAL NOTE: You’re so vain; I’ll bet you think that note was about you.
PUBLIC NOTE: For the very few people I saw, it was wonderful. For the many, many people I didn’t see, I am sorry. This trip really revolved around the twins. I’ll do better next time.
01 February 2010
"Right, birds can fly so high, or they can shit on your head,
Yeah they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel so scared.
But when you look at them, and you see that they're beautiful,
That's how i feel about you.
~ “Birds” by Kate Nash
The last intersection I cross every morning to get to work used to have a traffic light. Now it has a stop sign. Looking back on it, I am 70% sure I came to a complete stop this morning. Then again, I was in a rush and Lucius Verus doesn’t like to disappoint. Either way, the multiple police cars parked in the bank drive thru (just waiting for people like me) saw a noticeable lack of stoppage. I hadn’t even crossed the intersection when the lights came on behind me.
I pulled into the work parking lot and dug for my wallet. Taking a lesson from my no license plate experience, I had organized my proof of insurance and car registration in a labeled envelope and stowed it in my glove box for easy reference. By the time the police occifer was at my car window, I had everything waiting for him. He let me know that I did not come to a complete stop at the stop sign. I responded with, “I’m sorry, Sir. I didn’t realize.”
He took my stuff and returned to his car for an excessively long time. I saw him writing A LOT so I knew that a warning was not what I was receiving. When he returned to the car he had a ticket for me to sign “as proof of receipt not of guilt” and a bright yellow card which said I could pay $98.00 to take a four-hour class. I thanked him and then maneuvered around the other cars that had been pulled over for similar transgressions.
Why are these people sitting around by an abandoned intersection at 7am? Couldn’t they be better serving the community by finding car thieves or stopping sex offenders? I am not angry. I don’t pay taxes in Sarpy County so I really cannot expect to dictate how the county spends its money. I’m just saying that pulling 4 people over for not stopping completely at an empty intersection seems silly.
NO matter. In 3 days I will be in Texas. That makes me smile.
28 January 2010
I'd like to tell you that I'm ready
For whatever's coming
But to be honest there's a part of me
That loses control
~ “A Lifeless Ordinary” by Motion City Soundtrack
At least once a year I find myself reminded of my poor library habits. As a child, I loved the library. I would go and spend hours there. Then, having very little “pocket money, I would borrow books for free. And, because my parents were far more responsible than me, I would have them returned, on time. It was a beautiful arrangement – and one that kept me on the “straight and narrow”. By the time I was in college, I had been “politely discouraged” from checking out any more books due to my inability to return them in a timely manner. I happily paid the fines; and created aliases to maintain my lending status. Eventually, though, I hot a wall with Madame Librarian, and I began to use my discretionary income to purchase books.
At first, I would just go to Thrift Shops (or even library sales) to make these inexpensive acquisitions. I was a recreational book buyer. I only did it when my friends were doing it too. (Or when my grandmother gave me gift cards to Barnes and Noble). That’s how it begins. Grandma gets you hooked – and then BAM! ‘
When I moved half-way across the country the first time, I moved 19 boxes of books. As I aged, the collection grew larger and larger. Soon, my personal library was well over 1,000. Every week or so, a new book would find its way into my shelves, which were double and triple stacked. Upon my divorce, we moved 55 boxes. Yes, 55. That is five-five. Most people don’t even own 50 books. I owned that many boxes. You may recall that I hired a personal organizer to help me get rid of some of them. As she was helping me sort, I was kicking the new shipment of books that had been received under my bed so she didn’t know I was still buying. Shameful!
My next cross-country move inspired me to purge and I did, cutting the entire collection back down to a “manageable size”, around 25 boxes – all of which are still in storage, though organized and safe from harm. Somehow, over the past 18 months, I have accumulated approximately 100 new volumes. I don’t know how it happened. Well, actually, I do. . . Borders Clearance Racks; Half-Price Books; and Daedalus Books online.
Seeing that my addicition has once again taken over my limited storage space, I am going to try to take advantage of my local library. Luckily, there is help for people like me. Someone with similar issues has taken it upon herself to create a marvelos reminder system to returen library books on time. Perhaps I should spend the $4.00 and end up saving hundreds in overdue library fines.
Overdue Book Calendar (PDF) only $4.00
PUBLIC NOTE: If you know anyone who wants to purchase extremely gently used books from me, I am willing to sell. It’s like tearing off a band-aid. Just do it.
PRIVATE NOTE: I cannot wait to see you next week. Yay! Yay!
21 January 2010
She will come in first
For the end of western civilization
She's an endless war
She's a hero for the lost cause
~ “Last of the American Girls” by Green Day
When did I change? Was it truly something that happened over time and at such a slow pace that I never realized I was losing my idealism and passion for the world? There had to be a point where I started to change direction. Was it upon my return from Ireland and realized my heart had truly broken? Was it during marriage number one when I stopped believing I could make a profound difference in the world?
Maybe it was my entrance into Corporate America where being a cog in the great machine helped me realize my own insignificance. I wish I knew when I mutated from emotional idealist to logical pragmatist. I used to volunteer to work with homeless at-risk teenagers – now I walk in the Breast Cancer 3-Day. Don’t misunderstand, I still believe in volunteering and “giving back” to society; however, I have moved away from being a personal influence – and instead am an advocate for a financial one. I have season opera tickets and am a member of the Opera Guild. I walk past homeless teenagers downtown and hold my purse a little closer; avoiding eye contact so I don’t “have any trouble”.
My own twins are approaching the age of the middle-schoolers I worked with in college who prostituted themselves for meth. It scares me. When did I transition from seeing society as the solution to seeing society as the problem?
NBF and I have long discussions about these types of things and I laugh when he says I am far more conservative than I want to believe. It’s true, I suppose. I used to lean way left and now, with the exception of a few very specific issues, I am no longer the young peacenik I once was. At 18, I was a free-spirited vegetarian who was looking forward to being the next ‘Madeleine Albright’ – strong and intelligent and one Hell of a diplomat. I had a plan.
The thing is, I am happy with whom I have become. I am far more secure in my beliefs. I no longer feel the need to compare myself with others so that I know who I am. I am no longer able to get myself all worked up over a political issue. I cannot find the time in the day to write letters to foreign governments (and our own) so that someone doesn’t get put to death or tortured. I definitely don’t want those things to happen – but I realize that they do and that there is very little I can do about it. I still only vote for Governors, Senators, and Congresspersons who are anti-death penalty. That standard does not filter up to the Presidential level.
Where am I going with this? I think it comes down to one statement I made today which was along the lines of the advantages of dating a 24 year old deity who as intelligent as he is attractive. He keeps me on my toes with his passion for life and passion for learning. I suppose I am swinging back towards center again with his influence.
I may change the world yet!
PERSONAL NOTE: I need your help with Series 7 stuff. AAAAGGGHHH!
PUBLIC NOTE: Buy Petlane products for your pet and save 10% just because you are my friend.
Reference Party # 2644
05 January 2010
You're sitting there thinking your thoughts
They are not about what is but what is not
You are sitting there breathing in your breath
You are seldom breathing life but mostly death
~ “Commissioning A Symphony in C” by Cake
This morning, I opened a new container of milk to pour on my bowl of Cheerios. Due to my rush this morning, I had forgotten my blueberries (and my lunch) at home. Plain cheerios in milk are fine with me. Life has taught me to ALWAYS smell milk before ingesting it. Today, that rule saved me from a very unpleasant experience. The milk was spoiled. It indicated that it was good through February 10 – but apparently it had been exposed to air – because it was definitely no longer fresh. Interestingly enough, it was UHT milk – meaning that it should have had a shelf life through February without refrigeration. It was not, however, Organic UHT milk – which is usually what I use for my cereal since it does indeed have an amazing shelf life without being chilled. NO matter – the fact is, I had another person smell the m ilk – and they agreed it smelled funky. I took it back to the vendor and traded it for a diet soda.
I should have known that my morning was going to be like this – considering it began with me shutting off my alarm and going back to sleep – apparently forgetting that my new shift started this week. Knowing my propensity for oversleeping, I always set more than one alarm – and my preparation did not fail me. The second alarm jarred me awake and I realized the time and that panic set in which wakes a person up and sends them running around the house like a chicken without a head.
With speed generally reserved for fast forwarding a DVR through commercials, I let the dogs out, found clean clothes, brushed my teeth, and grabbed my multitude of bags that I carry to work. After throwing on my boots and a newly created hat my sister made for me, I almost ran out of the house without letting the dogs back in. Luckily Elizabeth’s high-pitched whiny bark caught my attention and the dogs went trotting downstairs to invade my sister’s sleep.
The cold air stole my breath away and I hurriedly grabbed my heated ice scraper to scrape the windows. The sub-zero temps had made the cord brittle, however, and it snapped off of the no-longer heated ice scraper. Cursing, I removed what I could from the windows, and then drove down the hill toward the interstate. Traffic was lighter than I expected (the joy of leaving for work before 7am). It was while I was on the interstate that I remembered I hadn’t yet put the new license plates on Lucius. BLOODY HELL! There was nothing I could do at that point so I drove through the dark morning, hoping watching my speed so that I wouldn’t attract any attention from police during my morning commute.
Why would a 2010 Honda Civic without license plates attract information on a cold, wintry day? I have no idea . . . but guess what . . . it did. I saw the cop’s laptop in his car 10 seconds before he turned his sirens on. I looked at the clock in my car and prayed I could make the chat a quick one sans ticket! It was precisely at that moment when yesterday’s events came flashing back.
Sprinting through the civic center and entering the DMV as they were locking the door -- he 30 minutes at the counter staring at my new license plates but unable to grab them – the lack of an insurance card – the mainframe going down – falling in a snow drift – no parking – UGH!!! – 20 people standing in line at the post office 2 minutes before they closed – the very angry postal worker yelling at a patron for being in front of the “eye” so she couldn’t close and lock the Jedi style doors -- getting home after dark and unable to put on my new plates – my papa’s warning about getting those plates put on before I left in the morning – waking up late - - - you get the picture. . .
As these thoughts flashed, I grabbed the new license plates and registration from my messenger bag. The officer approached my window and I handed him everything the DMV had given me. I took advantage of my gender and started apologizing for not getting them put on the car, explained I had no tools and that it was dark when I got home and that I was hoping someone at work would be able to put them on for me . . . I offered him my Derivers License, but he said he didn’t need to see it, he just needed to see my proof of insurance. I then began doing the frantic search one does when they know that what they are looking for isn’t there – but perhaps if they just keep looking, it will appear miraculously as a gift from above. I also realized I was babbling to the officer about how sorry I was that my idiocy forced him to stand out in the cold while I searched for my insurance card. He must have realized how cold he was, because he told me not to worry about it and just to get the plates put on as soon as I could. He then offered the required, “be careful getting back on the interstate”. I thanked him, apologized once again, and took off before he changed his mind.
I made it to work with 3 minutes to spare.
FYI -- It is supposed to snow 5 – 7 inches tomorrow – let’s give thanks for the reversal of global warming this winter. Kum by yah!
PERSONAL NOTE: Are you ROTFLYAO?
CONDIFENTIAL NOTE: India Lima Oscar Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform Lima Oscar Tango Sierra.