20 November 2012

Gravity is Gravity and Other Clichés

current state of mind: disappointed

Everything I did was wrong
Everything you said was true
I've been hiding way too long
All I really want is you
~ “All I Want to Do” by Jude

  • “Why aren't you blogging?” my friend asked.
  • “I am. Just not as often as I used to do so,” I responded.
Then I thought about it and wondered why I have been writing less often. I suppose it’s because I am busy trying to accomplish things before the weather turns to shite and I am stuck indoors for months. Also, my laptop has been temperamental. Plus, I have been painting cabinets with magnetic primer, which floods the apartment with fumes that may be killing my brain cells too quickly for me to write coherently.
  • “Do you not allow comments on your blog?” ‘BB’ asked. “Most bloggers are flattered by comments, both good and bad . . . “ he said.
  • “Why would people want to comment? LOL,” was my response.
  • “Because it is a BLOG! That is what blogs are for! They are interactive!” he exclaimed, as if he were talking to an amusing child.
  • “I don’t blog to be publicly interactive,” I responded.
  • “Okay. I understand. As long as you are self-aware that you are dancing to the beat of your own drum, that is cool,” ‘BB’ stated in his last message.
This is not your everyday dating site conversation. Strike that. It may be YOUR everyday dating site conversation; it is definitely not mine. Most of my dating site conversations involve me typing, “Thank you for your message. I am not interested in corresponding. All the best on your journey.” Very few people who send messages via the dating site actually have a conversation with me. It isn't because I am better than any of them. I don’t believe that I am; even when a response comes back calling me shallow, unattractive, stuck-up, too picky, and every other negative descriptor that makes the rejected feel better. I just know myself well enough to not waste someone else’s time when I know there is not a “connection”. Maybe I could respond with total transparency and explain that I am on the site as a homework assignment for my counselor. The thing is, if I were to do that, then I would be hiding behind the very activity which is supposed to be helping me practice healthy communication skills with potential love interests. I am supposed to be looking for red flags and identifying interactions which make me feel uncomfortable, while opening myself up to healthy vulnerability.  Moving on . . .

The referenced conversation above sparked some introspection; because, the Universe knows I don’t get enough of that in my life. I suppose that I first started writing publicly so that I knew I was being heard. I didn't care who listened to me, as long as someone did. I lived a pretty sterile existence at the time and preferred my thoughts being read by strangers than by people I knew. Now, however, it is different. It appears, to me anyway, that I have evolved. While I still welcome the general public to read what I have written, I actually write to be heard by those who know me. I know that words on a screen are not nearly as intimate as a face-to-face conversation. Still, it’s a start.

With that, I am signing off until my muse pinches me in the arm once again.

PERSONAL NOTE: Congratulations! I cannot wait to hear all about it.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE 1: “Son, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash.” ~ Stinger, Top Gun

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE 2: “That’s a pie crust promise; easily made, easily broken.” ~ Mary Poppins

12 November 2012

Then a Flash and a Bang

current state of mind: detached

Water’s getting deeper
And I can’t feel my feet
I keep on bailing buckets
But it flows right back to me
~ “It Takes Time” by Glen Phillips

Saturday night I celebrated a friend’s birthday at a local watering hole. There was a gentleman there, wearing a ring, but alone. My friend, uninhibited courtesy of some fruity drink, asked him where his wife was. He said, “I’m not married.” She laughed, pointed to the ring, and asked again, “Where is your wife?” He acknowledged the ring with a nod, then stated again that he wasn't married. “It’s a long story,” he murmured. He was saved from further interrogation by the DJ calling his name to sing. As the unmarried man with a ring belted out “Welcome to the Jungle” with some skill, my friend cheered loudly and we went on with our evening.

When finished singing, he refilled his beer glass and walked over to the bar where we were sitting.  He introduced himself to the four of us, and then explained the story of the ring. He has been dating a woman 11 years his senior for 3 years. She has been married 3 or 4 times already. They do not live together. Recently, he awoke to her slipping a ring onto his finger. She said she was tired of waiting for him to propose, so she bought a ring for him to wear until they are married so he would “remember” her impatience. I am not known for my “soft and gentle” approach to these matters. Incredulously, I asked, “Are you effin serious?” He was, indeed, serious. Holding eye contact with me, he said, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her, but . . .” and his voice trailed off.

Why do strangers find themselves compelled to confide in me? I could feel his desperation. He needed someone to listen to him.  I needed another drink to deal with this conundrum; but was driving, so instead, I sipped my water and listened as he went on about his relationship with this woman. When he stopped talking, I asked him if he wanted my insight or just to continue listening. He chose the former, so I told him that while I don’t know him or his partner, it is clear to me that he is not ready to marry her. When he asked me how I knew that he wasn't ready, I responded with a directness he may not have been expecting.

“If you wanted to be married, you wouldn't be at a bar by yourself, telling another woman how you aren't sure about your relationship, and confiding with a level of intimacy normally reserved for dear friends. Also, you wouldn't be looking at me in the way you are, if that ring meant anything to you. I am not judging you or your relationship. Everyone’s life is his own. I have learned, however, that staying with someone because you don’t want to lose her is unhealthy. Either stay with your partner because you want to be with her or let her go so you can each find someone who fulfills your needs.”

He sipped his beer without saying anything. His expression was thoughtful. I wished him luck, grabbed my purse, hugged my friends goodbye, and then, dismayed by the icy blast of winter that had arrived while I was in the bar, I walked to my car. Waiting for Lucius to warm up, I thought about the man with the ring. I hoped that he would make a decision that brings him joy. So many people fear being alone. What they don’t realize is that being alone is far superior to being with someone and wishing they would leave you alone (especially if it is so you can be free to be with someone else).

What do I know? I’m a twice-divorced, single woman who has spent a majority of life excusing boys’ bad behaviours.

PERSONAL NOTE: Girlfriend, you need to love yourself as much as we love you . . . then kick up your heels and rejoice in life.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Your support is ever-present. Thank you.

08 November 2012

What the Heck is a Rubric?

current state of mind: frazzle dazzle

Don't you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed
Don't you even try and explain how it's so different when we kiss
You just tell her that the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again
And it won't make sense right now but you're still her friend
~ “Call Your Girlfriend” by Robyn

I gave two presentations in my Biz Law 2 class this week. One was on “Chapter 13 Bankruptcy” (assigned topic) and the other was on “1929: Black Tuesday” (choice topic). I rocked them. This is not the time for false modesty and humble pie. I was well-prepared, knowledgeable about my topics, and I am comfortable performing presentations with Power Point that do not consist of me reading the text on the slides.

 ** Side Note: If you present in this manner, please save everyone the ordeal and just send them the Power Point slides without bothering to present verbally. **

Instead of reading bullet point after bullet point aloud, I emphasized what I was saying with animation and graphics. I had an outline to follow – but overall, I ad libbed both presentations. While I am not entirely sure that the class was entertained or even paid attention, I do know that I scored bonus points for my “exemplary performance” and “excellent use of technology and video” on my “Class Presentation Grading Rubric”. Only one more class period remains before I am finished with the term. All in all, I will have achieved a 4.0 for my paralegal educational experience, will have made a couple of really close friends, and most importantly, will be free to begin studying for the national certification exam, which I am taking in January. Woo hoo!

Unfortunately, school appears to be the only aspect in my life that is running without a hitch. At home I have a pile of cabinet doors waiting to be painted, a shed full of belongings that need to be organized and/or purged, a healthy diet to undertake, and a lot of laundry to wash and put-away.  I also need to begin writing consistently and with discipline.

Friday evening I will be giving a short, but informative, speech to 300 sixth graders and their families. I gave a similar speech last year at the same event. This is the easiest task I need to accomplish as far as my responsibilities as president of the “OG”. I am definitely in need of some guidance in that realm. I feel as if I am constantly stumbling in my role. Granted, I am used to literally stumbling with my klutzy self; but metaphoric stumbling is not as familiar of territory. I have many people counting on me and I don’t want to fail their expectations (or my own).

I am open to suggestions for any of the above.

PERSONAL NOTE:  Just breathe. I promise you that things will get better.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE:  Every time I think of castles or airports, I think of you.

PUBLIC NOTE:  My little dragonfly is the smartest and most handsome godson and nephew in the whole wide universe.

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.