Current state of mind: shell-shocked
Can it be easier?
Can I just change my life?
Cause it seems to go bad every time.
Will I be mending
Another one ending once again?
~ “When It All Falls Apart” by The Veronicas
Sometimes things happen that make no sense; and they send your world tumbling like Vader’s TIE fighter after Han came back and did “the right thing” at the end of Star Wars. (No, I will not call it A New Hope). At the end of the film, we’re not sure for how long Vader will be “down for the count”; but we know he’ll be back. That is how I feel when one of these life-rocking events takes place. There is nothing remotely comfortable in being fully cognizant that I will be tumbling or spiraling for a while, unable to grasp my bearings. There is, however, comfort in knowing that it is physically impossible to spin out of control forever. Physics clearly show that friction (and other science stuff) will eventually stop the momentum of any object – even an imaginary one like a TIE fighter.
The difficult part is having patience. Patience, as I have explained many, many times, is not my strength. I have an internal clock that constantly wants to speed things up or slow things down so that life moves at my speed; the speed of want. Today, I became the President of an organization in town that means a lot to me. The journey here has been difficult and trying. Often it felt as if the Force was with everyone but me. The symbolic handoff took place at 1:00pm and I hope that I was gracious in my acceptance. I tried to be. I wanted today to be memorable and the reality is that it was, but not for the reasons I had anticipated.
In fact, writing this post is my act of civil disobedience to show how disappointed I am in those who should have made sure I was more prepared for days like today. There are things that I know for sure; things that are so ingrained in my being that it just feels “wrong” to find out that what I believed has been replaced by a very different reality. Anyway, I will continue fighting to stabilize my world, changed as it may be. I really don’t want to talk about it – as I am trying with all my might to un-ring the bell that has already tolled. I will attempt to defy reality until I can make the necessary adjustments to my involuntary habit of hitting the space bar twice after punctuation. Seriously, to someone who has been completely brainwashed by the historians of the world, this is upsetting. Therefore, I am going to start slow and only single space after punctuation in e-mail correspondence. I feel as if I have Stockholm Syndrome and I am not ready to completely separate from my captors yet . . . but I will get there (maybe by the time we get through Episode XI or III - whatever).
PERSONAL NOTE: Unconditional acceptance and love is precisely that . . . unconditional. Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mothers out there.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I don’t have the words. Not today.