21 January 2010

Walk Tall and Carry a Big Stick

current mood: introspective

She will come in first
For the end of western civilization
She's an endless war
She's a hero for the lost cause
~ “Last of the American Girls” by Green Day

When did I change? Was it truly something that happened over time and at such a slow pace that I never realized I was losing my idealism and passion for the world? There had to be a point where I started to change direction. Was it upon my return from Ireland and realized my heart had truly broken? Was it during marriage number one when I stopped believing I could make a profound difference in the world?

Maybe it was my entrance into Corporate America where being a cog in the great machine helped me realize my own insignificance. I wish I knew when I mutated from emotional idealist to logical pragmatist. I used to volunteer to work with homeless at-risk teenagers – now I walk in the Breast Cancer 3-Day. Don’t misunderstand, I still believe in volunteering and “giving back” to society; however, I have moved away from being a personal influence – and instead am an advocate for a financial one. I have season opera tickets and am a member of the Opera Guild. I walk past homeless teenagers downtown and hold my purse a little closer; avoiding eye contact so I don’t “have any trouble”.

My own twins are approaching the age of the middle-schoolers I worked with in college who prostituted themselves for meth. It scares me. When did I transition from seeing society as the solution to seeing society as the problem?

NBF and I have long discussions about these types of things and I laugh when he says I am far more conservative than I want to believe. It’s true, I suppose. I used to lean way left and now, with the exception of a few very specific issues, I am no longer the young peacenik I once was. At 18, I was a free-spirited vegetarian who was looking forward to being the next ‘Madeleine Albright’ – strong and intelligent and one Hell of a diplomat. I had a plan.

The thing is, I am happy with whom I have become. I am far more secure in my beliefs. I no longer feel the need to compare myself with others so that I know who I am. I am no longer able to get myself all worked up over a political issue. I cannot find the time in the day to write letters to foreign governments (and our own) so that someone doesn’t get put to death or tortured. I definitely don’t want those things to happen – but I realize that they do and that there is very little I can do about it. I still only vote for Governors, Senators, and Congresspersons who are anti-death penalty. That standard does not filter up to the Presidential level.

Where am I going with this? I think it comes down to one statement I made today which was along the lines of the advantages of dating a 24 year old deity who as intelligent as he is attractive. He keeps me on my toes with his passion for life and passion for learning. I suppose I am swinging back towards center again with his influence.

I may change the world yet!

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Reference Party # 2644

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.