current state of mind: fragile
You’ve got such a pretty smile
It’s a shame the things you hide behind it
Let’em go, give it up for a while
Let’em free, and we’ll both go find it
~ “I Know” by Jude
WARNING: Today's post contains the ramblings of a sleep-deprived individual.
I am not a sharer. I tend to play my cards close to the vest. I don’t grant sneak peeks to those around me and I make no secret of this fact. It takes effort on my part to reveal what is behind the layers. This is a trait I value in myself and while some may not understand it, there is something to be said about relationships that form through these obstacles. I know people who are quick to share confidences and quick to form lasting friendships. While I sometimes view these people with admiration, I wouldn’t trade places with them.
The close friendships I have took a lot of work on my part – and that brings me comfort. Easy emotional intimacy is disconcerting to me. Like a pie crust promise, easily made, easily broken. Once a bond has been created between me and another person, it remains despite geographical or temporal distance. I put forth a lot of effort to forge these connections. I am only an “ice queen” to those who are not a part of my inner circle.
I look back on the initial meetings I had with my now-married DBFF. Our paths crossed several times and she would tell you that her initial impression of me was that I was reserved (to put it nicely), impersonal, and not someone she could imagine ever being anything more than a casual acquaintance. While she did not think I was rude, she would describe me as “distant”. This is the same woman who accompanied me to my divorce hearing, cradled my head when I sobbed, and kept me from making Grey Goose-influenced decisions, over the course of one summer. I don’t think that either of us can imagine a life without the other being a part of it. I use her as an example because we have had discussions about this very topic. In her mind, I am two very different people, depending on what side of my walls someone is.
On the other hand, these same people know when I close them off. I can be just as nice and friendly as usual; but, if I am emotionally disconnected, they feel it. And it is hurtful. I have been called-out on this withdrawal and told that it is worse than being the recipient of my anger because it feels like utter indifference. Apathy is an emotion most people don’t think about; but secretly dread. If someone is angry or hateful towards you, there is still emotion and passion and hope. But, indifference, damn, indifference is real pain. It means that your existence is inconsequential to another person at that moment. They don’t wish you harm or happiness, because they don’t care.
Knowing this, I believe that I am rarely truly indifferent to anyone. Granted, I can emotionally disconnect from those people for the sake of self-preservation; but it is a conscious choice to disconnect. It is not out of true apathy. I have to compartmentalize and move them to a far off place in my mind, where they no longer have an effect on me. The only issue I have with this technique is that once they are put there, I have not discovered a way to bring them back. Like Mr. Darcy says in Pride and Prejudice, “Maybe it's that I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offenses against me. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.” Unlike Mr. Darcy, I can readily forgive – but, I am generally unable to undo the severance which took place before the forgiveness kicked in.
What brought all of this on, you wonder? Hunger Games did. While the movie last night was good, the book portrays Katniss Everdeen in a way with which I could clearly identify. I guess that is my point for this long ramble.
PUBLIC NOTE: My apologies for a lack of funny or clever or entertainment today!
PRIVATE NOTE: Congrats on the baby girl!
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Ut iniuria arbitrium nullam paenitenda.