14 October 2008

a stalker by any other name would smell just as sweet

Current mood: imaginative

I'm a go-getter guy with a gun on my hip
I'm just searching for that someone to be firing it
I've narrowed down the field and I'm taking a glance
And I'd say you've got a pretty good chance. . .
To be my girlfriend.
~ "Go-Getter Greg" by Ludo

It is no secret that crazy people are drawn to me. Over the past 18 months, I have been amused by late night phone calls and random text messages from people I do not know – though they clearly know me. The numbers are not familiar and no matter how I try, I cannot seem to identify the culprits. Trust me, I have tried. I have these numbers saved in my phone with names such as "No Idea", "Prankster", and "Borat". The last label was due to a call I received in January.

Sometimes the texts are interactive, where we actually engage in conversation.

Text Message: 'Hi, how was your day?'

My Response: 'Fine, and yours, crazy stalker boy?'

Text Message: 'Mine was good, thanks for asking.'

And sometimes they are one sided –

Text Message: 'I am having dinner now.'

Text Message: 'You still having problems sleeping?'

Text Message: 'Are you going out tonight?'

Then there are the days where I am feeling clever –

Me: 'I am having lunch'

Or Inquisitive –

Me: 'Who are you?'

Or Irritated –

Me: 'Just tell me who you are, damnit!'

In the end, however, nothing new is discovered. They know my name, where I work, the kind of car I drive, etc, and I know nothing – except they like to say their name is Joe or Dave or Chris or whatever name suits their fancy.

Since I have moved back to Omi-ha-ha, the texts had actually been sparse. That is, until the other night, when I was sick, and lying in bed at my parents' house. A NEW number appeared on my phone display. I clicked on the text message, only to discover it is yet ANOTHER secret admirer. This one is funnier than the rest, however. So, I am going to dub him 'Go-Getter Greg' [G3] like the Ludo song above. He has given me his name, well, a first name, and while I would normally be disinclined to believe him, he has an auto-signature set up on his phone and it is a nickname which coincides with the first name he provided me.

And, unlike the others, this one has come up with a confusing, yet imaginative back-story.

'We met at work. I work at *** with you. I am always too shy to say anything. Or maybe you gave me your card after spending an hour telling me your life story in Aisle 5 (or maybe it was the Deli) at Bakers – and if you don't shop at Bakers, then it was Hy-Vee. Or somewhere else. I remember it vividly – but not all the details. You are pretty.'


And when I told him I was sick, he offered to bring me soup or cook me dinner because he can be really sweet (so he claims). Last night, 'G3' texted me that he wanted to take me to dinner. And y'all know that someone taking me to dinner is a dream come true, even if they are a crazy stalker guy. But, when he texted, he also admitted that he had been drinking and that perhaps our "first' meeting shouldn't be when he was three sheets to the wind. Wait a minute, our FIRST meeting? I thought we have met before . . . oh, that is when he back-peddled to his 'too shy to actually speak to me' story. He asked me out for Wednesday night – I explained I had to work. For Thursday night – I explained I already have a date. (This excuse didn't deter him in the least – he responded with 'yes, a date with me.' -- 'um, no, with someone else') Friday night, I am going to the Opera.

No worries, though, because he was up bright and early, texting away, this morning. Some people would say that I shouldn't encourage the attention. He could be a dangerous psychopath. Though, last I checked, serial killers didn't have auto-sigs set up on their text messaging. Plus, I really don't believe that he will ever actually take me to the dinner he has promised. It's all part of the game. And playing the game is far more fun than celebrating the outcome!

Now you are a celebrity!

I am happy to hear that your headache has improved. Did you check that weekend yet?

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.