04 June 2012

I Remember When I Said . . .

current state of mind: cautious

After the fall
After all the bubble gum
There is no sweetness
Left on my tongue
~ “Love is Luck” by The Walkmen

Sometimes my writing takes on a voice that is speaking toward a specific person. I don’t enjoy writing in that manner, unless it is a personal letter, because it feels contrived. I do not want to be contrived – not here, not ever, actually. It’s difficult, though, when I have so much to say, so many questions, and no answers. I mean, the answers could be here, in my brain, waiting to be released – and perhaps I don’t have all that many questions, since I dislike asking questions with painful answers. It is “willful blindness”, and most days it suits me just fine.

I received an email which bluntly stated that a friend had found the perfect person to provide the male DNA necessary for me to have a child of my own. The guy is smart, attractive, kind, and gay. So it is unlikely he and his partner will get to have a baby without some intervention. In response, I let my friend know that it is not a lack of ‘swimmers’ which prohibits me from having a child; it’s money. IVF is not cheap. For those of you who want to suggest that there are plenty of parentless children in the world who need a forever family, adoption isn’t cheap either, unless I want to raise a six year old with attachment disorder. Apparently sociopathic wards of the state are available by the bus load. Fantastic!

I am not heartless. I feel terrible for those children. I feel terrible for the infant who was left on top of the car by her “high” mother. http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/mother-drives-5-week-old-top-car-164426051--abc-news-topstories.html As if having a pink haired mom wasn’t bad enough; but this one didn’t notice when her 5 week old baby’s car seat fell off the top of the car while she and her baby daddy were driving to the liquor store for something to drink. Fecking brilliant! While the baby is currently with CPS, he’ll likely be returned to one of the degenerate parents before too long. He’ll grow up thinking his life is normal and the cycle will repeat itself. Sad, but true.

I realize I am cynical about fertility. Of course I am. I read these horrible news stories about children who are stuck with birth parents who don’t have a clue about taking care of themselves, let alone another person. Then there are people who would do anything within their power to have a baby and the Universe says, “Nope.” This isn’t just about fairness. I realize that life is not always “fair and balanced” like FoxNews. I just don’t understand it. There are a lot of things in life I don’t understand. I try to just accept the world as it is – but it is difficult when I see things that go completely against logic. We are a species that will kill one another without purpose; laugh at others’ misfortunes; walk away from love and happiness; or make the same mistake over and over again, no matter how painful.  

Through it all, however, I am so blessed to have two amazing children that are in my heart, even if not from my womb. I have friends whose children consider me their “Auntie” and by Autumn, I will be an aunt and godmother to a baby boy. It is probable that I will never get to bear a child with my DNA. It is also probable that I won’t adopt. I’ll still leave my “imprint” on the world by loving the children that are brought into my life by the Universe.

The world may not be logical or fair – but it seems to persevere even when swimming in shite. That has to mean something . . . right?

PERSONAL NOTE:  I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam-I-Am.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I hope your first day is all that you wanted it to be.

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.