current state of mind: breathless
It's not a matter of time, it's just a
matter of timing
Do you ever wonder how you got to here?
Take it in; and hold on while you can
All the destruction will one day end
And you'll finally know exactly who you are.
~ “Timelines” by Motion City Soundtrack
Everywhere I
go, I am constantly being told that exes cannot be friends. When I ask why, the
responses vary by person – but most are so situation-specific that I think the
truth is that some people, due to some circumstances, cannot ever be friends
after breaking up. Therefore, I disagree that ex-romantic partners cannot ever
be friends.
One of my
best friends is NBF – and we all know how difficult that ending was. And this
week I am going out for Happy Hour with Ex-husband #1. The fact is that I am
remarkably talented at maintaining friendships with past loves. The tricky
part, I have discovered, is what to do during the timeframe between the
heartbreak and the healing. That transitional period is really difficult for
me. I believe that this is for a multitude of reasons; but the likely two are
1) I have a very kind memory and 2) I am not able to retain anger. Plus, that
whole unconditional acceptance thing gets in the way. How am I supposed to just
shift gears from 5th to 1st without dropping my
transmission in the middle of the road? So, I handle breakups like I do Lucius
Verus . . . I engage the clutch and put the car in neutral. I have never been a
fan of downshifting. It seems too contrived; plus, I hate the sound the engine
makes.
Holding onto
this metaphor, let’s continue . . . Sometimes, when in neutral, the laws of
motion (and friction) take over and the car slows down gradually, allowing me
to preserve my brakes. Other times, however, some eejit cuts me off and I have
to rapidly apply the brakes or risk a painful collision. I hate doing that. It
is hard on the car and makes my heart race in fear at the narrowly-missed
disaster. That feeling sucks. Y’all have had it, I know; that moment when you
want to pull over and just breathe. Well, when that moment occurs during the
transitional period between “lovers” and “friends”, I get the same “want to
vomit” feeling. It is especially difficult when the other person is already “over
it”. Normally, I am the one who is well ahead of the curve in that process – so
I don’t have a lot of practice at playing catch-up. Perhaps that is why I have
always been able to remain friends – because my relationship metabolism is
generally faster than everyone else’s.
The
inspiration for this introspection stems from a comment someone made to me
recently. I wasn’t able to coherently arrange my thoughts so that I could
respond at the time. I guess I needed to take the time to write it out and try
to filter the minutiae from the principal thoughts. All that matters, in the
end, is that the wonderful things which draw us to a person exist, even when
you are no longer romantically attached. For that reason, I hate to think that
we should be forced to lose those things from our lives just because two people
no longer have a mutual romantic attachment. It just takes a little time and
heartache for everyone to get back on the same page. Most of the time, patience
gets us through the “getting through” phase. So, don’t be afraid to wait for
your friend on the other side. I know I have not yet regretted doing so.
PERSONAL NOTE: Motion City Soundtrack
is from your hometown! Aren’t you a lucky duck?
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: “Son, your ego’s
writing checks your body can’t cash.” ~ Top Gun – Still, you can claim this
one.
