07 October 2009

9, 8, 7, 6 5 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

current mood: apprehensive

This used to be a funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down down down
I'm gonna burn it down
~ “Funhouse” by Pink

I do have green eyes; however, I hold no jealous tendencies. Jealousy indicates resentment toward others for what they have, are, or will be. My heart cannot even sustain anger in the worst of situations. There is no possibility that I would be able to sustain a tangible amount of envy for anyone or anything. This doesn’t make me noble; I assure you. Instead, it gives evidence that my claims of emotional detachment have merit. I have always suspected that I have anti-social tendencies bubbling under the surface of normality. There are days where I am fairly confident that I could survive without human contact for far longer than most of society. Granted, I have specific people in my life that would be severely missed and possibly longed for – but, in the end, I’d adapt.

The beginning of ‘Zombieland’ started churning these thoughts in my brain. Fortunately for me, there are no zombies around who could actually eat my brain until these thoughts stop eating away at me.

Several friends have shared their unsolicited opinions lately, regarding my willingness to love someone who doesn’t love me back. This is not a new trait that I picked up in my post-divorce world. It’s something that I have done for as far back as I remember. I am an expert, it seems, at giving away emotion – but pretty terrible at receiving it. In fact, I remember a conversation with Husband #1 where he stated that he had finally fallen in love with me and that he wished I were willing to accept that love. Granted, there had been a lot of ‘bridge wash-outs’ prior to that conversation which made divorce inevitable. Yet, the conversation has been stuck in my memory since then.

I let people love me. Really, I do. I put forth great effort to not throw emotions back at people – to respect their feelings. With the exception of the twins, however, I don’t tend to embrace one’s emotional connection with me. I try. Yoda taught us: ‘Do, or do not. There is no try.’ Successfully navigating the precarious waters of emotional exchange is difficult at best. Most days, I am just pleased when I haven’t offended anyone with my lack of social awareness.

Part of the issue is that I can completely shut off any sense of connection or emotion with someone. If they upset me in any way – I will just turn off any emotions toward that person. It allows me the luxury of detachment. Complete apathy has its advantages. Some people tell me that it’s unhealthy to shut them down like that. One ex-boyfriend in particular used to get very frustrated with me because I would disengage from conflict – from everything really, to avoid a confrontation or to show any emotion beyond ‘everything is great’.

Sometimes, I catch myself doing the same thing with NBF. When I realize what is happening, I put a halt to it. My friendship with him is too important to ‘hide my truth’, even if it creates conflict. I think that may be one of the reasons we don’t spend all of our spare time together. I can be difficult. Hard to believe, I know . . . but it is true. Too much ‘Girl Genius’ would wear the Dalai Lama’s patience thin. In small doses, however, I am AMAZING!

PRIVATE NOTE: 12 days until your baby girl will be here.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Should we throw a Happy Hour while I am in Fort Worth?

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.