30 September 2009

Greatest Hits . . . Really?

current mood: stagnant

Have you ever been ‘Rick Rolled’? If you haven’t, then you need to be; if for no other reason than to watch Rick Astley dance around in a trench coat, looking like a child predator, and singing how he’s ‘never gonna give you up’ or ‘let you down’. It isn’t very often that we are given such guarantees in life. I admit that the song is catchy and that back ‘in the day’, I danced to that song. In fact, I blame that song for my lack of dancing skills. I really thought that stepping back and forth while snapping my fingers was ‘dancing’ – and if I wanted to really spice things up, I’d hook my thumbs in my waistbands and do the ‘New Kids Dance’. You can laugh, but we’ve all done it. In fact, I am going to call someone out right here: Brandon, you wore the parachute pants and couldn’t ‘touch this’ – while sporting the MacGyver haircut. I was there. I remember.

Anyway, back Rick Astley – he has a Greatest Hits album with 17 tracks. I have only heard 2 songs on the entire album; and one of them I never realized was a “hit”. The other 15 of his ‘greatest hits’ are not ‘hits’ at all. They are just songs he sang – songs that no one in the Western World has heard. How in the world did a record company green-light this album? Seriously!

This discovery got me thinking that there must be other ‘Greatest Hits’ compilations available from people who don’t qualify. I had to search for them – to see if I can discover the secret which is a ‘Greatest Hits’ record!

The Best of Vanilla Ice
A reviewer on Amazon said it best: "If you decide to buy this CD, wait patiently by the mail box till it arrives. Upon arrival, quickly open the box, then pull the security tape from the jewel case. Open the jewel case and place the CD in one hand. Break the CD in half, then slit your wrists with the remaining shards. As you begin to die look at your reflection in the mirror-like surface of the broken CD, and ask your self what you were thinking when you ordered this CD!"
The Best of Shaquille O’Neal

Um, this is actually a music album. There are no basketball highlight reels. This CD confused me from the very first track, titled, “I’m Outstanding”. Confident? Yes! Musically Inclined? No! Plus he has one song listed twice. Is that even fair?

A Collection of Roxette Hits: Their 20 Greatest Songs

The only thing I can say for this band is that the lead singer sounds American when she sings – but cannot speak a lick of English in an interview. Oh, and I never understood exactly what “The Look” was.

UB40 Greatest Hits

This one has 21 tracks. I have heard of 3. Several others are remakes of other people’s greatest hits, which I find rather amusing.

Among others, there are also Greatest Hits albums from Offspring, Nelson, Aaron Carter, Oasis, NSYNC, Incubus, Staind, and Hillary Duff. Dear Lord . . . Aaron Carter is like 12 and Offspring is known for ‘Pretty Fly (for a white guy)’. Are these the musical legacies the music industry wants to leave to future generations? Never fear – Madonna will release her 4th greatest hits album this fall – because she is still definitely RELEVANT. I guess she is trying to release one hit record for every kid she can adopt. Good thing Angelina cannot sing.

Personal Note: Where is a broken CD when I desperately need one?

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.