23 September 2009

Honour in Death

current mood: sad

So the lights are flashing my mind is spinning
I feel like it is always the beginning
Of another rhyme I'm rapping M.C.'ing I rock
You ain't nothing but a car thief who must be stopped
~ “Car Thief” by Beastie Boys

I have a car – kind of. That is, I used to have a car. His name was Marcus Aurelius, and a more beautiful car has never been. When I am sad, I like to sit in the front seat - with my bare feet on the dash – and just breathe. Marcus is a 2008 Honda Civic 5-speed; gun-metal grey; 4-doors; and a dash light panel that reminds everyone of an airplane. I even had his windows tinted. I washed him once a week; had him mini-detailed on a monthly basis; and fully detailed by the dealer every 6 months. Marcus Aurelius brought me joy.

Well, for those of you who haven’t yet heard; Marcus is no longer with us. While I was not sinning in Las Vegas; someone took it upon themselves to break into and steal my beloved car. As if that were not enough – the driver and/or passenger decided that playing Rap Music would be the most logical entertainment choice – VERY LOUD RAP MUSIC. How do I know this, you wonder . . . well, you see, when they left the scene of the CRASH – they left him running.

Unfortunately, just because the Honda engine still functioned does not mean that the vehicle can be driven. And UNFORTUNATELY in this case; Hondas are damn safe cars. So the driver, passenger, and side curtain airbags were fully deployed to cushion the thieves’ impact. Instead of blood, there is glass and airbag dust throughout my car. The police suspect that the driver was either not an experienced 5-speed user OR the steering column locked up for some reason – which is why instead of turning at the T-intersection, the car planted itself face first into a reinforcement post for an industrial fence.

I have my own theory. I think Marcus took it upon himself to try to kill himself and the mother f’ers who were daring to unlawfully play rap music on his sound system. While it is still being decided whether or not he is reparable – according to the Omaha AND Bellevue Police Departments, ‘That car is never going to be driven again!’ The insurance company is taking a look at him today to verify the assessment.

There are no leads. No fingerprints. The case is not being pursued due to lack of evidence. I tip my hat to all of the officers who worked on my case; including the two that I spoke with on the phone while I was still in Vegas. I want to thank them for their diligence – which included waking my parents at 4:30am; waking NBF at 5am; and of course, waking me several times, since I was in the Pacific Time Zone and elected to fall back asleep in misery and exhaustion after each phone call – since it was still pre-dawn.

That being said, I have already been to O’Daniel Honda and paid a visit to ‘Joe Cool’ who is ready to put a 2010 Honda Civic – exactly like Marcus, except a different shade of grey – ON ORDER. The 2008 color has been discontinued and no 2009 models are available with my demanded specifications. His sales manager attempted to entice me with special financing on a car in a different color and with an automatic transmission – I less-than-politely declined. Marcus Aurelius will be reincarnated, either through a rebuild or in a newer model.

All sympathy cards, memorials, flowers, and non-tax-deductible donations can be mailed to me: PO BOX 104, Boys Town, NE 68010.

Oh, and if I find the thieves, I will personally kick them in their face!!!!

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.