25 April 2013

I See the Shadows We Cast in the Cold Clean Night

Oh but I know love as a fading thing

Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
See, honey, I saw love, you see it came to me
It puts its face up to my face so I could see
Yeah then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognizing
~ “Song For Zula” by Phosphorescent

Once in a very great while, something extraordinary happens, and you are seduced into feeling what cannot be explained; but, you know it is profound. It resonates with such intensity that your heart breaks from the knowledge that this moment will never be replicated. I call these my ‘hallelujah pauses’, in reference to what I felt the first time I heard Jeff Buckley sing “Hallelujah”.   

You . . . wait . . . I . . . Yes, I . . . okay, *deep breath*     

Let’s start again. . . .

I spend a considerable amount of effort keeping the veneer on my emotions bright, shiny, and unblemished. I take pride in my innate tendency to behave with logic and pragmatism. I am not a ‘normal’ female who allows emotions and estrogen to dictate my actions. This creates a comfortable buffer zone between my emotions and my life. I know the emotions exist – but I am able to compartmentalize with the efficiency of an IKEA store. I value this quality; both in myself and in others. Therefore, when something pierces my ‘Kevlar vest’, I am forced to process without the benefit of familiarity.  

The first time I read “Music of Chance” by Paul Auster, I felt it rip through me. It changed my existence. I was a different person; not the same girl who read page one. I re-read this novel at least once a year. Every time I read it, I feel something new, something unexplored.

After watching the movie “Red Violin”, I was inconsolable. I sobbed for over an hour, then fell asleep. There was no rhyme or reason behind the apparent catharsis. I awakened to a puffy face and eyes that were practically swollen closed. I love the film and have watched it dozens of times since. Each viewing is emotionally stimulating.

A couple of weeks ago, ‘The Appraiser’ sent me, yet another, YouTube link which he promised is the best song he has ever heard. This is not the first time he has made such a promise. I was busy when he sent the link, and I closed the window before saving it. Then, last night, he sent me a message asking whether I ever listened to the song. He knows me all too well. I confirmed his suspicion that I had not done so. He acknowledged his tendency to exaggerate about music; but that this time it would be different. Instead of coming up with justification as to why I didn’t have time to listen, I requested the link again. Seizing the moment, I put on my headphones and clicked the play button.

The world ceased to exist, with the exception of what I was hearing. Everything I have ever known or felt was reborn during those 6 minutes and 11 seconds. When it was over, I consciously told myself to breathe. I wiped the tears that were unashamedly streaming down my face. I clicked the play button again. I tried to pinpoint what it was that was drawing me energy to another place, another time. I couldn’t. From the first note to the last, I just continued feeling as if the world was on ‘Pause’.

I cannot promise you that this particular song will invoke the same response from you. You may listen and feel ‘nothing’. I do, however, encourage you to take stock of your life’s ‘hallelujah pauses’. They are the Universe’s way of communicating revelations. They are not subtle and they will not be ignored or compartmentalized. Take note.               

Here is the “Song for Zula”:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcdOLKx2XG8

PERSONAL NOTE: You are amazing and beautiful!

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Yes, hearing it is far better than reading it. Thank you for not being a moron.


Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.