current state of mind: disappointed
Everything I did was wrong
Everything you said was true
I've been hiding way too long
All I really want is you
~ “All I Want to Do” by Jude
- “Why aren't you blogging?” my friend asked.
- “I am. Just not as often as I used to do so,” I responded.
Then I thought about it and wondered why I have been writing less often. I suppose it’s because I am busy trying to accomplish things before the weather turns to shite and I am stuck indoors for months. Also, my laptop has been temperamental. Plus, I have been painting cabinets with magnetic primer, which floods the apartment with fumes that may be killing my brain cells too quickly for me to write coherently.
- “Do you not allow comments on your blog?” ‘BB’ asked. “Most bloggers are flattered by comments, both good and bad . . . “ he said.
- “Why would people want to comment? LOL,” was my response.
- “Because it is a BLOG! That is what blogs are for! They are interactive!” he exclaimed, as if he were talking to an amusing child.
- “I don’t blog to be publicly interactive,” I responded.
- “Okay. I understand. As long as you are self-aware that you are dancing to the beat of your own drum, that is cool,” ‘BB’ stated in his last message.
This is not your everyday dating site conversation. Strike that. It may be YOUR everyday dating site conversation; it is definitely not mine. Most of my dating site conversations involve me typing, “Thank you for your message. I am not interested in corresponding. All the best on your journey.” Very few people who send messages via the dating site actually have a conversation with me. It isn't because I am better than any of them. I don’t believe that I am; even when a response comes back calling me shallow, unattractive, stuck-up, too picky, and every other negative descriptor that makes the rejected feel better. I just know myself well enough to not waste someone else’s time when I know there is not a “connection”. Maybe I could respond with total transparency and explain that I am on the site as a homework assignment for my counselor. The thing is, if I were to do that, then I would be hiding behind the very activity which is supposed to be helping me practice healthy communication skills with potential love interests. I am supposed to be looking for red flags and identifying interactions which make me feel uncomfortable, while opening myself up to healthy vulnerability. Moving on . . .
The referenced conversation above sparked some introspection; because, the Universe knows I don’t get enough of that in my life. I suppose that I first started writing publicly so that I knew I was being heard. I didn't care who listened to me, as long as someone did. I lived a pretty sterile existence at the time and preferred my thoughts being read by strangers than by people I knew. Now, however, it is different. It appears, to me anyway, that I have evolved. While I still welcome the general public to read what I have written, I actually write to be heard by those who know me. I know that words on a screen are not nearly as intimate as a face-to-face conversation. Still, it’s a start.
With that, I am signing off until my muse pinches me in the arm once again.
PERSONAL NOTE: Congratulations! I cannot wait to hear all about it.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE 1: “Son, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash.” ~ Stinger, Top Gun
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE 2: “That’s a pie crust promise; easily made, easily broken.” ~ Mary Poppins