It's only love, it's only pain
It's only fear, that run through my veins
It's all the things you can't explain
That make us human
~ “Human” by Civil Twilight
My right contact fell out this morning. I didn't notice until I got to work. I thought that I was just really tired, which generally explains blurry vision. The end result of a missing contact is a headache. There are worse fates.
Last night I went to visit “Gretzky” and “the Dancer” in their new digs. I helped get the washer “ready to use” while “Gretzky” worked on the dryer. No one was electrocuted; most likely because “the Dancer” said multiple times “Don’t get electrocuted.” Once we had the laundry room up and running it was time for movie night. Normally, we would have gone to a movie; but instead I brought over a Redbox. I am actually embarrassed to talk about this since the movie was so ridiculously bad.
Let me preface this with some mildly-interesting disclaimers:
- I love Edgar Allan Poe. I mean, I don’t love the man. He was dead long before I was born. I love his writing. I love his imagination. I love the fact that his words have generated an innate and unreasonable fear of being buried alive. I get short of breath and a little panicky just thinking about the imagery.
- I love John Cusack. I have adored him since he starred in John Hughes films. He is the epitome of “the guy next door” and I adore him. He has barely aged since “Say Anything” and no one should ever make fun of him, ever.
Do you know where this is heading? I’ll bet you don’t; if for no other reason than no one saw this movie (and those who did will deny it). The Redbox film (I use the term loosely) that I chose was “The Raven”. It was described as a period thriller about a serial killer stalking 19th Century Baltimore – using Edgar Allan Poe’s imagination as inspiration for his crimes. John Cusack played Edgar Allan Poe, the alcoholic writer who must help the police and cater to the whims of a madman.
The movie started off with some lame dialogue; but two very gruesome (and low-special-effects) killings based on two of Poe’s better known stories. Once the pendulum killed its victim, however, the film took a rapid turn into amateur acting and mediocrity. The quotes from Poe’s works were the only highlights worth mentioning. On the other hand, there are many low lights that are certainly worth mentioning. My favorite scene to “recap” is the one where the lead inspector is in bed after being shot. And go . . .
“Good God, man, you have a bullet in your chest. Let me use this magnet to find it. (He runs a magnet across the left pectoral muscle of the inspector).
(Then to an off screen character) You, over there, put some whiskey on that pillow case. Give the rest to him; he will need it.” (The lead inspector guzzles whiskey as the doctor uses a scalpel to cut into his chest to dig out the bullet.)
I am going to spoil the rest of the movie for you . . . The killer is not clever – instead, the police are really bad at their job. Poe had remarkable penmanship. Printing ink is magnetic. The newspaper owner is killed. The girl lives. The killer is the guy who sets the printing press at the newspaper. He runs away to France to taunt Jules Verne. Poe chooses to drink poison in exchange for the girl’s life. Poe dies. The lead inspector somehow beats the killer to France, awaits him in the hired carriage, and shoots him. Then the movie ends with some weird animated montage that is definitely NOT inspired by 19th Century events.
PERSONAL NOTE: Stay focused on staying focused.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I think you are handsome.