Water’s getting deeper
And I can’t feel my feet
I keep on bailing buckets
But it flows right back to me
~ “It Takes Time” by Glen Phillips
Saturday
night I celebrated a friend’s birthday at a local watering hole. There was a
gentleman there, wearing a ring, but alone. My friend, uninhibited courtesy of
some fruity drink, asked him where his wife was. He said, “I’m not married.”
She laughed, pointed to the ring, and asked again, “Where is your wife?” He
acknowledged the ring with a nod, then stated again that he wasn't married. “It’s
a long story,” he murmured. He was saved from further interrogation by the DJ
calling his name to sing. As the unmarried man with a ring belted out “Welcome
to the Jungle” with some skill, my friend cheered loudly and we went on with
our evening.
When
finished singing, he refilled his beer glass and walked over to the bar where
we were sitting. He introduced himself
to the four of us, and then explained the story of the ring. He has been dating
a woman 11 years his senior for 3 years. She has been married 3 or 4 times
already. They do not live together. Recently, he awoke to her slipping a ring
onto his finger. She said she was tired of waiting for him to propose, so she
bought a ring for him to wear until they are married so he would “remember” her
impatience. I am not known for my “soft and gentle” approach to these matters. Incredulously,
I asked, “Are you effin serious?” He was, indeed, serious. Holding eye contact
with me, he said, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her, but . . .”
and his voice trailed off.
Why do strangers
find themselves compelled to confide in me? I could feel his desperation. He
needed someone to listen to him. I
needed another drink to deal with this conundrum; but was driving, so instead, I
sipped my water and listened as he went on about his relationship with this woman.
When he stopped talking, I asked him if he wanted my insight or just to
continue listening. He chose the former, so I told him that while I don’t know
him or his partner, it is clear to me that he is not ready to marry her. When
he asked me how I knew that he wasn't ready, I responded with a directness he
may not have been expecting.
“If you
wanted to be married, you wouldn't be at a bar by yourself, telling another
woman how you aren't sure about your relationship, and confiding with a level
of intimacy normally reserved for dear friends. Also, you wouldn't be looking
at me in the way you are, if that ring meant anything to you. I am not judging
you or your relationship. Everyone’s life is his own. I have learned, however,
that staying with someone because you don’t want to lose her is unhealthy. Either
stay with your partner because you want to be with her or let her go so you can
each find someone who fulfills your needs.”
He sipped
his beer without saying anything. His expression was thoughtful. I wished him
luck, grabbed my purse, hugged my friends goodbye, and then, dismayed by the
icy blast of winter that had arrived while I was in the bar, I walked to my
car. Waiting for Lucius to warm up, I thought about the man with the ring. I hoped
that he would make a decision that brings him joy. So many people fear being
alone. What they don’t realize is that being alone is far superior to being
with someone and wishing they would leave you alone (especially if it is so you
can be free to be with someone else).
What do I
know? I’m a twice-divorced, single woman who has spent a majority of life
excusing boys’ bad behaviours.
PERSONAL NOTE: Girlfriend, you need to
love yourself as much as we love you . . . then kick up your heels and rejoice
in life.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Your support is
ever-present. Thank you.
