18 July 2012

Like Falling’ When I’m Trying to Fly

current state of mind: pensive

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance
~ “Some Nights” by fun.

Today’s horoscope: Your logical analysis is usually a source of reason, but today it just makes everything unbearable. You can see what's wrong and, fortunately, you know how to fix it. But you're not in control. The harder you work to stabilize the situation, the crazier it becomes. Be aware that the dynamics of a relationship may have to get shaky for a while before they are able to improve.

I am tired.

I have had a stressful week. I am emotionally and physically drained.

I am tired.

And this fecking horoscope is perfectly timed with the debacle my life has become. Today, I am not feeling funny or witty. I definitely don’t feel brilliant. I feel like an eejit of the highest order. I know that the choices I sometimes make seem contrary to what could possibly make me happy – and that is really no one’s business but my own. You see, the choices I make are 96.3% based on logic and pragmatism. They are choices with purpose. They are deliberate and they are my choices to make; not anyone else’s.

The other 3.7% of my choices are made completely against logic. They are so far right of pragmatism and logic that they seem to be “left”. These are my truly human moments – and, well, humans are severely flawed. We act against our own self-interest for the sake of 1) principle; or 2) anger; or 3) love. I seldom do anything on principle. My reasoning behind this is the John Milton Synge play, “The Playboy of the Western World”. I saw it performed at the amazing Abbey Theatre in Dublin. The play highlights the flaws of the human condition – and how doing things on principle is irrational. . . . As for acting in anger, I don’t bother. I generally cannot sustain anger long enough to act. I suppose I am a little like Hamlet in those situations. By the time I am ready to act, the emotional energy has fizzled, resulting in inaction. . . . #3, however, is all mine.

I believe that the only way to love someone is unconditionally. Period. Whether the recipient be your child or your lover, the love must be unconditional. People should not have to earn love. More importantly, they should not have to fear that love will be withdrawn based on their actions. I act accordingly. Therefore, all of my decisions based on love (or the fear thereof) are immune to logical reasoning. This is an unfortunate result for acting out of love. I am uncomfortable with emotional stuff. I am even more uncomfortable with the deluge of heartache that often results. Even knowing the risks, I still choose to love. 
*Quick Backstory/Digression Before I continue this path of discussion . . . *
To prevent these emotional hiccups in my logical life, I build a lot of metaphorical walls. Like the wall that Nashe and Pozzi build in Paul Auster’s “Music of Chance”, it is a process without an end. The wall will never be complete and life will never permit abandonment of the wall’s construction. All I can do is provide ladders and grappling hooks (again metaphorical) to those I care for.
*Resume Discussion* 
I love my children without limits. There is nothing they could ever do that would make me not love them. There are plenty of things they could do, however, which bring on heartache. It’s inevitable. Children disappoint and hurt their parents. Parents disappoint and hurt their children. It is the human condition. I accept it without reservation. I am grateful for the opportunity. I have never regretted a single emotion triggered by the twins. Not one! They are the epitome of all that is right and good and pure in the world. They are my life source.

My love life, on the other hand, is a different story; one that will be unveiled another day. 

For now, enjoy this YouTube video from a singer/songwriter that was brought to my attention by someone who regrets not having a heart-to-heart with the performer in 1992 when he had the chance to change a life!

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.