current state of mind: finding ground
I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
~ "Stronger Woman" by Jewel
I enjoy writing my thoughts for public consumption. I seldom, however, write about my own personal heartbreak. My reasoning for this decision is sound within my own mind – but when I mentioned it to my personal advocate (aka my LIMHP/LPC), she found it curious. Let's call her Miss O'Hara. I explained that these are my personal stories and insights; therefore, it isn't fair to only share one side of the story. After suffering through Miss O'Hara's "am I supposed to buy that?" expression, I acknowledged that perhaps I really just don't want to reveal [what I consider] emotional weakness to the masses.
You see, I consider the darker side of my emotional romantic relationships an albatross. Clearly I am being metaphorical, as sea birds do not actually have anything to do with my emotional connections. Hopefully my circular thinking and writing are confusing you – which is my way of distracting you from the fact that I am feeling emotionally vulnerable.
I usually write Personal and/or Confidential notes at the end of my blog postings. Generally, these notes are concise. Sometimes they take on a cryptic aura. Some people have asked the difference between the two. A Personal note is directed at a specific person and I will confirm the identity of that person when asked. Confidential notes are a different story altogether. Confidential notes are directed at a specific person; however, I will not share the identity of the recipient to anyone.
"Why this preface?" you wonder.
Here goes . . . Miss O'Hara and I have been working on some things – and one of these "things" is my ability to rationalize the poor behavior of others; especially when executed by someone with a handsome face and clever wit -- or as "Veggie Girl" said to me when I was 15 – "You always excuse boys' bad behavior." Now, a month from my 36th birthday, I am ready to learn how to stop doing that. I am beginning today. . . .
PERSONAL NOTE: "In a game of this kind one has to take sides and we have taken ours. It remains for us to see that our side wins." – Ernest Bramah, Four Max Carrados Detective Stories
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: You always tell me how much you love to read what I have written. You praise my choice of words and my ability to convey a message with eloquence. I am hopeful that this is no exception.
I adore you. I feel warm and secure when you tell me that no one in the world is happier than you when we are together. I love how you can read my every micro-expression and know precisely what I am thinking. I appreciate how you have emotionally opened yourself up to me in ways you never thought possible. I value your insight, experience, and honesty. Thank you for refusing to filter and for insisting I do the same. I can close my eyes and still 'see' every glance you have cast my way. I never imagined that I would be able to share so much of myself without censure or judgment. We are perfectly matched in so many ways. I told you once that you had no idea how safe you are with me. You believed me, though you didn't know why at the time. You just "knew" that I would never be malicious or callous with your existence. Our lives have been built within similar realms of logic and intelligence. While neither of us has ever wanted the "messiness" which accompanies emotionally fulfilling relationships, we can acknowledge that the intensity brings out the best aspects of ourselves – and the worst.
I promised you once that I would never judge you. And I don't. The thing is, I don't need to. You know the kind of man you have chosen to be. You have no illusions that your actions are anything but what they are. You don't want to hurt me – but you do because it makes your life easier . . . neater . . . cleaner. I understand. I do. Neither of us is used to "feeling" so much and being so "vulnerable". The thing is, I am worth the messiness and the feelings and the vulnerability. I deserve so much more than you are willing to give. I am not willing to fight for a man who lives a life filled with lies and half-truths because it is more comfortable than living authentically. You surround yourself with people who are unaware of your vulnerabilities. They support the façade you have created. I won't. Not anymore.
I unconditionally accept you as you are. I will not betray your trust in me – but you need to know with certainty that you have betrayed mine. So, no matter how much I long for your arms to be around me and how badly my heart aches, it is preferable to being with someone I no longer trust.
How sure am I about this? Cocksure.