30 March 2009

Whooooo Arrrrreeeee Yooooooou?

Current Mood: centered

This is smaller than you know
No bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road
Let it Go Let it Go
Got to leave it all behind you
Give the sun a chance to find you
~ “Let It Go” by Great Big Sea

It has been almost 3 months since I made the New Years Resolution to live in the present – taking life one day at a time. I resolved to worry a little less and laugh a little more. I vowed to find the joys in today instead of waiting for ‘something better’ tomorrow. I have made plenty of New Years resolutions in my lifetime. Most lasted a few days or a few weeks. Most often, I chose something which could be measured and evaluated. That’s the type of person I have always been – one who measures herself and her life up against a standard. Sometimes that standard is low – most often it is impossible. I remember in high school and college creating motivational signs for myself that said “Anything Less than Perfection is Failure; and Failure is NOT an Option!”

As March comes to a close, I look back on the past 3 months. My life is FAR FAR FAR from perfect – and is such a deviation from what I had once planned that it’s hard to believe that I am the same person who created those signs. Surprisingly though, I have never been as calm and centered as I am now. I have discovered that my Type A personality can be tamed. I like waking up in the morning and being content. I enjoy not being in control of every aspect of my life. It is okay that I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow.

I am nowhere close to where I want to be 12 months from now. I constantly want to improve and be better. I want to get healthier and happier and create a more stable situation than the one I have now. We are human and we need to evolve in order to be happy. I truly believe that. But wanting to have future successes does not mean that all I currently have are failures. I am surrounding myself with healthy relationships. I have made true changes – releasing the negativity and fear and passive aggressiveness which have plagued me for a very long time. Have I completely quit worrying? LOL -- not even close – but I am a hell of a lot better than I used to be – and it gets easier with each passing day to let things go.

Things I used to dwell on for days or weeks may now only consume my thoughts for hours. This is progress. Can it be measured? No. And my level of success can definitely not be evaluated with any accuracy. I am in free fall most of the time – like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole. I am learning to enjoy the scenery- because life is pretty damn short and I have some amazing moments to cherish every single day. I am studying for the LSAT and willing to ride roller coasters. I will try new things (with coaxing) and have stopped worrying that I won’t excel at something.

Who would have thought that it would only take 90 days to look at life in a whole new light? What can you do in 90 days? Try to find out!

PERSONAL NOTE: Thanks for lunch and for being in my life.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Choose the life you want – and it will be easier to stay true to it.

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.