08 May 2008

Well we both know that's not been so. . .

"Old friendships fade away
Love falls apart"

I'd like to type something witty and clever. Truly I would. Instead, the rock in my stomach and the storm clouds in my mind make it impossible to see more than 30 seconds into the future without crying. So, for now, right now, I will only look 20 seconds ahead, which doesn't make me want to throw up or break down.

It's almost been a year since I moved out of the house. In the past year, all the furniture we once bought has been replaced, as has the car, and the female head of household. Someone else gets to live the American Dream with him and his children. The thing is – I don't want it to hurt and to upset me and to anger me. Still, it does. I am so easily replaced. He upgraded to a newer model. Bet she won't fuck it up like I did. Luckily for me, I'll be leaving soon and I won't have to worry about any of it again.

As for the rest of my world – it is not at all what I thought it would be.

I guess. . . I mean. . . yeah

I know this for sure – if one more person asks me whether or not I am okay or as to why I cancelled my going-away party, I may need a good criminal defense attorney and a solid alibi.

No, I am not okay – but there is nothing you can do, so please don't bother asking. And I cancelled it because I won't be there.

I am just so tired and the lack of stability in my existing situation is too much to handle. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to smile and pretend it's all okay. I want to curl up into the fetal position, hug my dog, and sob until I lose consciousness.

Note to those of you with whom I am related who feel that Mom needs to know how upset I am -- she doesn't - so keep your mouth shut. I just need to make it twenty more seconds and all will be fine.

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.