29 May 2008

Maybe it's for the best - maybe it's not for anything.

The word 'spent' has so many connotations.

He 'spent' all her money.
He 'spent' the night at her place.
He 'spent' inside her.
He is emotionally 'spent'.

sp»nt - Show Spelled Pronunciation[spent] Pronunciation Key
1. pt. and pp. of SPEND.
2. used up; consumed.
3. tired; worn-out; exhausted.
Webster's Abridged

Well, listen here, peeps, I am all 'spent' out. I emotionally, physically, and financially have nothing left to spend. In two days – yes, TWO DAYS – I am leaving the Lone Star State to return to Husker Nation. Bloody Hell! Ne-fecking-bras-ka. The one place I swore I would never live again. Ever. *insert self deprecating laugh here* It's funny how we plan and plan and think we are doing it all right – only to find out that it is all terribly wrong.

My spiritual advisor (for lack of a better title) told me recently that it would be in my soul's best interest to just hunker down, get through these last days in Texas without giving in to the dark cloud that has been stalking me. That once in Nebraska, I will be freer than I foresee and that the path I tread will lead me to bliss – or something close.

Maybe this time; this lifetime; I will overcome the demons and actually learn from my previous lives and their experiences. I am not looking for Nirvana this time around. I just want a little peace.

Yesterday, I 'spent' time with two people who make life worth living; even on the worst days. I stayed 'in the moment' with them for an hour and a half. I cannot recall the last time I was completely 'present' for a full 90 minutes. Normally, I am looking around, worried about the future or memorializing the past. Not last night. Not for those 90 minutes.

And, I am going to do my best at continuing to find 90 minutes here and 90 minutes there for more 'in the moment' living. I have two 10-year-old role models to emulate.

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.