current state of mind: frazzled
I’ve been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I’m hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I’m starting all over again
Last three years were just pretend
~ “Goodbye to You” by Michelle Branch
I remember the first time I heard the song above. It was during a late 2001 “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” episode where Willow was being taken over by her powers and Tara couldn’t deal anymore, so she said “goodbye”. I also remember crying during the episode. I wasn’t crying because I particularly cared that Tara would be leaving the show. Instead, I cried because it was the first realization that I had regarding the state of my marriage. I was 25 and had finally realized that love did not solve everything and couldn’t always heal that which was broken. Within half a year my marriage was over; “citing irreconcilable differences”.
“It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what’s yours and I want what’s mine. I want you; but I’m not giving in this time.”
I am not blaming Joss Whedon and Michelle Branch for the breakup of my marriage; though I would have preferred maintaining my naiveté about the power of love for a little longer. I mean, don’t we all want the fairy tale? I know I did.
Now, however, 10 years later, I am still a sucker for “fairy tales” and “love trumping all”. I am an “in the closet” historical romance reader. I love reading about unconventional women in history who were smart and sassy and constantly fighting the mores of society. And they still always ‘got the guy” with their love conquering all and they lived happily ever after in a really nice house with servants. Let’s be honest; that is the fairy tale I want and less because of the love and more because of the servants.
Lately I have been daydreaming a lot about having servants. My apartment is completely disorganized and I need a lot of help – but I hate asking friends and I don’t really have any money to pay a professional organizer – so I think about how wonderful it would be if I had live-in servants who did everything and all I had to do was go shopping for hats and reticules.
Geez, I am really off track now. I don’t even know what I originally wanted to write about. Oh, wait, yes I do. . . This weekend is ‘K-Shrub’s” birthday and we are having a sleepover party and going to watch Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” in 3D. My family always compared me to Belle because she is considered a little quirky due to her obsession with reading and learning. And while my first name does not mean “beauty”, it does mean “Youthful” which is better than beauty when you are 35. And in the end, she gets the prince and the castle and a library filled with books and servants. Golden!
PUBLIC NOTE: Happy birthday K-Shrub (and J-Shrub).
PERSONAL NOTE: Congratulations on your new job!
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: You are stronger than him – just keep moving forward.