And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
~ “Hey, Jealousy” by Gin Blossoms
Pragmatic – (adjective) of or pertaining to a practical point of view or practical considerations.I like to think that I am pragmatic about most aspects of life. I am a strong believer in logic and rational thought; without muddying the waters with emotion. That isn’t to say that I don’t get very emotional and make brash decisions based on emotional stimuli. I am just as guilty as the next person in behaving irrationally due to hurt feelings or fear. Recently, however, I have been doing my best to ignore the emotional impulses and behave according to strict logic.
Unfortunately, my human impulses are sometimes stronger than my logic. Here are some examples:
I love raisins – by themselves. BUT – if they are mixed or cooked in anything I refuse to eat them. In fact, I gag if they slip by unnoticed before I take a bite. Case in point: the other day I ordered fried ice cream at a local Mexican restaurant. I took a few bites and was enjoying the crispy texture of the ‘fried’ coating on the ice cream until a raisin found its way in my mouth. Sure enough, I gagged. Then, using my detective skills, I ascertained that the coating on the ice cream was RAISIN BRAN! WTF!?!?! Who wants raisings in their fried ice cream? My sister found the whole thing funny and did nothing to hide her mirth. So, I left the uneaten ice cream in the bowl and paid my bill, disappointed and a little disgusted. And just this morning, as I was getting granola for my oatmeal, I had to pick out every raisin BEFORE adding it to the bowl. It is an inconvenience at best.
I hate flying. I am well aware that commercial flying is one of the safest means of travel. I understand that turbulence in the sky is just the plane reacting to changes in air flow and air pressure. I realize that it takes an unusual combination of very bad conditions to bring a plane down (minus a flock of birds getting sucked into the engine). Some flights, I am fine, even with the turbulence. Other flights, you’d think I was a first time flyer with no idea how an airplane works. On the way home from Chicago, even after taking 2 anti-anxiety pills, I was lying in my sister’s lap, trying not to scream in panic. It makes no sense and can be quite embarrassing when it happens.
I hate dance music. In fact, it tends to annoy me to the point of anger. Yet, when I drink, I LOVE dance music. I go from a Birkenstock-wearing fan of singer-songwriters to a wanna-be stripper without a pole. I don’t understand how the transformation happens. The problem is, I really cannot dance; which may explain the hatred for music which makes me want to do so. My friend, ‘NYC Princess‘, has suggested that I may just feel more confident when people are throwing dollar bills at me. Maybe when I lose 30 lbs and learn to dance on 4 inch heels, I’ll take that leap of faith. Maybe.
Claustrophobia – (noun) an abnormal fear of being in enclosed or narrow placesI have serious claustrophobia. It stems from reading too many Edgar Allen Poe stories growing up. I also dislike crowds immensely. So, tell me why I can go to concerts, general admission, and wade through a sea of people to be in the front, where I am confined by thousands of bodies and a barricade, all without freaking out in the least bit. Is it the distraction of the music? I truly have no idea. I wish I could project that same feeling of calm when I am on a plane, or in a tight spot.
Lastly, there is very little I love doing more than reading and writing. I love to throw my ideas down on paper. Nothing would make me happier than being able to write for a living. Yet, I don’t even try to get published. I write short stories and anecdotal observations – and cannot bring myself to let anyone read them. I don’t even read them once I have written them. I don’t understand this dichotomy. I am not quite sure what I am so afraid of.
I have shared some of these concerns with a friend of mine, and he encourages me to ignore the fear, step out of my comfort zone, and do what makes me happy. Hell, it worked when I rode a roller coaster for the first time this past January – why shouldn’t it work with other aspects of my life? Perhaps turning 33 next week has me being reflective, as I always imagined that by this point in my life, I’d have a graduate degree in something and would be working and living abroad.
These thoughts make me wonder, ‘Why did I ever get on that return flight when he asked me to stay?’ One decision changed everything. Somewhere, in some other dimension, I wonder if that 19 year old girl made a different choice. . . and is sitting there wondering what would have happened had she gotten on the plane. Logic dictated my actions then . . . perhaps I should have listened to my heart instead.
A lesson learned? Perhaps some day.
SHOUT OUT: Congratulations to Michael and Brooke on their marital vows!!!!
PERSONAL NOTE: You can fake it at work. You can fake it for friends. . . It’s your decision now to give love or to just get out. ~Glen Phillips
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: *silence*