01 April 2008

Green as Green can be

We’ll start with Envy because I commit this sin far more often than I would like to admit. Generally, I am guilty of coveting the lives of others – even when I know that rationally their lives are no better than mine. I look at pictures of other women – and I am envious to the point that my tummy hurts sometimes. What is funny is that most times, my envy is due to a feeling of inadequacy in comparison to the person.

For example, my boyfriend’s ex-wife is very pretty. I have never met her in person – obviously – but from photographs I have seen – she is lovely. She has a nice singing voice, is musically inclined, and overall, I seem to ’enjoy’ comparing myself to her. I know it is not rational (nor emotionally healthy) but it is what it is, I suppose. It is a sin for me to make this comparison – and I need to stop doing it. Still, it is hard.

I do the same thing with my ex-husband’s current girlfriend. She is younger, and apparently far more inspirational than I ever was, as he is making life changes that I could never get him to make (i.e. flying; controlling his temper; focusing on the partner more; etc). Most importantly – she is fertile. She has a son. She will be able to give him more babies, if they want them. He is friendlier at work now too – not to me of course – but to other people. He always has someone or another at his desk chatting. While we were married, he never even liked other people. And more than anything, I am envious that she is now the ’step-mom’ in his children’s lives. If I am honest with myself, it is a role that will never belong to me again, and I truly need to let it go and not try to hold on to the only connection to motherhood that I have had. It is hers now.

So – Envy, I am going to bid you adieu (just not today).

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.