19 April 2008

Drunken Blogging - it's been a while

Holy moly, people! One bottle of Pinot Grigio and a glass of Samuel Adams later, I am ready to chat. I have already texted people who have a brain-- I know this because they are not texting back. No one wants to converse with a drunk person -- no matter how good of friends we are. I get it. I am okay with it. I need to just vent anyway -- so why not vent here -- a place of freedom and anonymity. Seriously, there is no anomynity on myspace anymore - or anywhere for that matter. But I am fricking sick of hiding away in my private world worried that someone may read what I write and get upset. For pete's sake, I used to be a top 20 blogger. Now, I am just another no one on the internet. Well that works for me, because what I have to say is probably best left to those who don't know me.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I am 31 years old, twice divorced, mother to no birth children, and a loving pet owner. I used to be a genius -- now, I am just happy when I can put two sentences together. I have a dog who loves me, a cat who tolerates me, and a family who drives me crazy. My boyfriend enjoys giving me the silent treatment and my best friend, well, she is one hell of a woman. My ex-husband 2 hates me, and ex-husband 1 works at the same place as an old friend of mine. That has to be awkward. LOL I am soon moving to Nebraska, a place that I swore would never be my home again. I would move to where my boyfriend is, but as it is, he can barely stand me when I visit. I have a feeling that he'd disappear completely out of my life if I showed up in a u-haul.

I used to suffer from insomnia - and now I suffer from too much sleep. I think it is my only coping mechanism. I am moving soon, like I said, and I need to pack a lot of crap. I have reduced my book collection by almost 800 books, and that was no small feat. Still, it looks like I will have a lot to move. I am trying to sell my washer/dryer set and my antique bedroom suite. If you know anyone looking, let me know.

If I could have anything in the world, it would be a child of my own. One that I could love unconditionally and one that could not be taken away from me by hateful jackasses who only give a shit about themselves. If I could have two things in the world, I would also want a man who loves me for me -- one that doesn't hide away from me when he doesn't like what I have to say. I imagine a life similar to the one I used to have, except without the abusive husband and the manipulative in-laws. I imagine a life where I can be myself.

It's 3am and I must be lonely. It's true. I am lonely. Right now, in all honesty., I'd give up my current existence, just to not have to go to bed alone. I hate going to bed alone. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

And I don't hate much. I mean, I don't even hate my ex. I only wish him happiness. I . . . I guess it is because I know that I didn't make him happy. Not in the end -- and most likely not in the beginning either. I tried to be a good wife - but, well, I failed. In the end, that is what happened. I failed. There is no going back for a do-over, so I will keep moving forward. I have to. Because standing around waiting for life to happen doesn't help anyone.

Like I mentioned before, I have a boyfriend. He's truly all that I have ever imagined in a man. He is bright, handsome, loving, driven, and self-sufficient. Still, I am not so sure that those traits give him the right to give me the silent treatment when it suits him. And they certinly do not give him the right to be careless with my feelings. I have a history of allowing boys to behave badly. I excuse their behaviour because I love them or care about them or whatever.

It is a fault that I have yet to overcome. I have been a fool hundreds of times over because of this fault. Am I doing it again? Will he read this blog and be upset that i have 'outed'; his poor behaviour to all of my readers? Will he even care? I don't know. And, honestly, right now, I don't give a fuck.

I started out writing this blog drunk, but I have a feeling that sobriety has taken over. Because I am tired of being the one who shuts up and puts up.

It comes down to this: If you want to be with me, then be with me -- if you don't, then please be honest with me. I am not crawling on the ground for another man again.

Good night!

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.