if the truth's overdue i know you'll remind me
if the truth police are sniffing out a lie
i've done nothing in life i can't put behind me
i'll use my life as an alibi
~ ‘My Uptight Life’ by Teenage Fanclub
Q: Where do dentists love to vacation?
A: The Mouth of the Mississippi.
(insert laughter here)
That joke was relayed to me via a dental assistant courtesy of a Laffy Taffy wrapper. Granted I was a captive audience and I had no where to run – but, it was funny and I laughed, then cut off my own airway with my tongue as I did all in my power to keep it away from the drill that was working on my tooth yesterday. Even now, as I sit here with a temporary crown (and lots of excess tooth cement() in my mouth, I am nervous about writing this -- since the assistant whom we’ll refer to as ‘Taffy’ for her Laffy Taffy jokes, asked for my blog address yesterday. I said it fast in hopes she will have forgotten it before there was time to write it down. I don’t need her knowing that I enjoy all this special time with the dentist because he is hot. Though, she does work with him, so she already knows he’s hot.
Last night’s visit took almost 2 hours and all of them were spent in the dental chair. A few things happened though, which almost revealed my fondness for Dr. Hottie. The first was my own carelessness. He was looking into my mouth, and I was staring at his brown eyes. He startled me with the question, “Are you watching me work in the reflection of my glasses?” Always quick on my feet, I responded in the affirmative. It was at that point that I actually realized there WAS a reflection to watch. I was saved by the obvious assumption that a patient would not be day dreaming about brown eyes while having teeth drilled. All following issues occurred because I get all giggly and blush bright red when he smiles at me. What a dork I am!
Plus, I have a very guttersnipe mind while lying in that dental chair with my dentist’s hands in my mouth. I didn’t heed his warning when he said, “I’m sorry this isn’t going to taste the best” . . . as he coated my tooth with some liquidy grossness, I was overconfident in my ability to not gag. He really underestimated how bad this stuff tasted . . . the instant it pooled in the back of my throat; I couldn’t breathe and began choking. He had to back up, along with the assistant, because I truly thought I was going to vomit in the chair. I sat up, coughing and sputtering; making that awful ‘ready to throw up’ guttural sound, while praying to the gods that I did not throw up in front of the hot dentist. Trying to laugh it off did not help, and finally the assistant rinsed my mouth and I declared that whatever that stuff was could not go back in my mouth. It tasted like stomach acid. I was apologetic – yet firm with the fact that it wasn’t happening again. Then, in an act that secured my adoration for him, Dr. Hottie asked the assistant to bring in a new chemical which they received as a sample. Lucky for me, with the exception of my tongue imprint, the mold process was successful.
I did learn some important lessons during this particular visit that I don’t think I would have learned anywhere else . . . 1. A woman in California rode the bus and a guy assaulted her by pulling out her two front teeth. I give the guy two more assaults before he evolves into a serial killer He has not yet been caught. 2. My dental center is the newest office; but gets all improvements last in the chain. This is A-OK, though, because it means they are not experimenting new things on patients. 3. Dr. Hottie and his assistant think I am their favourite patient (I may be exaggerating – but not by much). 4. It is not comfortable to have your mouth filled with cotton rolls, followed by expanding play dough-like stuff. 5. ‘Taffy’ is one of the funniest people I have ever met in a dentist office. And she found it funny when I responded with “No worries. It happens sometimes.” to this comment she made: “Here, let me wipe your face off. He spilled that stuff all over your mouth.”
I get to go back in a week to get my permanent crown. Then who knows how long it will be until I get to see my amazing dental duo again. I am a little sad. Though I will be happy not to have my mouth sore from their poking and prodding.
I guess that’s all for now. If you live in the Omaha metropolis and you need a good dentist – and you promise not to reveal my crush, I am happy to give you a referral. One more thing: if ‘Taffy’ did indeed find this blogsite, please pretend you haven’t. LOL
PERSONAL NOTE: I know what you did last summer.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I like you.