22 June 2009

I Miss My Trips to Boston Sometimes

Current mood: sleepy sleepy sleepy

The shapes come into the light
And it was love at first sight
Baby, baby, you're the light
And the flame burns in my mind's eye
~ “Hearts Collide” by Green Day

Him: are you recording this?
Her: lol. . . no. your truth isn't mine to share; i only share my own
Him: that would make a good shirt
Her: you can have it. . .
Him: whatev...you'd shrink it . . .gotta pee

One would wonder how a conversation such as this one would inspire me to think about my life, my future, and the choices which are required for me to get to where I am supposed to be. Some may believe that there is a specific route which they are supposed to take and that it is possible to choose incorrectly, wrecking havoc on the destiny the Fates have designed. I disagree with this wholeheartedly. There are good choices and bad choices – but not right or wrong ones, when it comes to living our lives. There will always be a fork in the road . . . always. We have to just keep choosing. I believe it is similar to those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books I used to read as a kid. I can choose to jump down the well OR I can choose to look in the basement – no matter which one I selected, somewhere later in the book, I ended up in the same place, with another choice to make.

Something I am slowly learning – is that I don’t need permission to make choices. I am ALWAYS waiting for someone to tell me it is alright to choose selfishly. That isn’t to say that I don’t make selfish choices . . . because I surely do . . . but I also make very selfless choices; sometimes to the detriment of my own happiness. I am not afraid to make bad choices. . I am afraid to make selfish ones. I do not want to disappoint anyone – any more than I already have. Ha This coming from the fingertips of an infertile, twice-divorced 32 year old who lives in her parents’ basement with her dog, her cat, and one of her little sisters. I assure you that THIS is not the life I had in mind when I was applying for colleges, those many years ago.

Still, even with all of this, I am pretty content. Yes, I still have wanderlust! Yes, I still wish that I were debt-free, living in some foreign embassy, speaking Arabic to a diplomat who cannot stop staring at my uncovered ankles. Um. . . I don’t really wish that. *rolling eyes in disbelief* I would like to be a better tennis player, weigh 20 lbs less, and be able to make my hair not be a tangled mess when I wake up in the morning (or after sex). What happened to the sexy tousled look that all the romance novels promised me? Seriously – I look like something nested in my hair any time it touches a pillow. Perhaps I should have chosen to be a hairstylist instead of a historian who pretends to be a technically savvy wonderkin!
Yes, all of these thoughts were inspired by a conversation where a man mentioned t-shirts; life; and peeing. Not very many people can segue between those three topics so easily.

PERSONAL NOTE: Drunk or not, you were a great conversationalist. Thanks!

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Cannot wait until the 4th.

Eidetic Vision

Main Entry: ei·det·ic Pronunciation: I-'det-ik Function: adjective : marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall especially of visual images - an eidetic memory Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.